Type?

Hello, yesterday I got stood up (sort of?) and I had way too much time on my hands in between shopping and waiting for my sister to come pick me up to think (yet again) about why I’m still single and I guess I’ve come to the realization one of the possible reasons for the same could be that I stick to a type of men always.

I most certainly have a type. I like ambitious, focused men with big dreams, massive guns, cute butts, perfectly groomed beards, moderately high (umm) levels of arrogance (I’d want an equal, after all of course) and high intellect. Of course men like this are almost too good to be true or turn out to be absolute assholes. Or they busy hustlin’, and have no time to date. (why do i have so much time on my hands, i need to be doing more things goddammit)

But doesn’t every one have a type? One type of person you’re almost always easily drawn to?

So how does one develop a type anyway?

I believe mine has emerged from the first man I ever seriously dated (tall, hot, ambitious, arrogant, absolute asshole, the relationship pretty much went to shit in the end but ayyy, was I a happy clam while it lasted). It is beyond me why I still stick to this type despite it not having a happy ending for me. But I guess it gave me a few wonderful memories that I still fondly hold close to my heart. So I guess I’ve a type because it’s comfortable. I KNOW what it’d be like to date someone like that again (the happy part y’all, I’m no masochist) (or am I? Mm hmm, I’d have to ponder on this next).

Anywaaaaaaay, the point of the rant was for me to put my thoughts on paper and basically understand I’m being an idiot by sticking to a type. I guess, there’s not much I can compromise when it comes to intellect and ambition (because really I’m hella ambitious and I personally think I’m smart as hell, no Shireen stop laughing fuck you I’m smart, and yeah so basically I couldn’t ever relate to someone who is not like me) but physically, definitely. Not all men are gym freaks and really, I don’t understand my intense attraction to the type (when I myself no longer work out, highly hypocritical yes I know. SIGH) but I’m aware I’m missing out on a lot of men who simply have other priorities like work, uni, family or goals that just happen to take up most of their time (but not pot, definitely no compromise there, I’ll never seriously date a regular stoner nuh uh simply because I can’t enjoy it, and I’m yet to come across a high functioning person on pot and I find addicts to anything weak, and hello I need someone I’ll grow stronger with)

At the end of the day, am I going to want to go home to a good heart or a good body? Both seems ideal (heh) but really I guess at the end of the day I just want to be loved and have someone to lean on when things get tough and so good heart, it is.

But then again, I urge you to never settle for anything less than what you absolutely deserve, and I’m telling you, you deserve someone who’s head over heels in love with you, who makes you abso-fucking-lutely happy, who gives you butterflies every time you kiss, who makes you a priority and never has you insecure about your place in a relationship and who makes you want to be a better version of yourself every single day. Now that’s one type of partner I believe everyone should stick to.

Anna,

Happy birthday, sunshine

As long as I live, I will never forget how you came over and introduced yourself on the first day of eleventh grade with the warmest of smiles and I so clearly remember how we got close, you practically dragged me away from that random Commerce chick on the steps, and spent the rest of PE with me just talking for one hour straight. Then we started to sit together, and eventually, I found my best friend in you.

That’s you. My best friend. And everywhere I go, deep inside I know all I try to find is someone just like you. But that’s the thing, no one can be you. No one I’ve ever met in the twenty years of my existence is as fiercely loyal,  adorable and selflessly kind as you. No one I’ve ever met has a heart as big as yours.

And every day, I strive to be a warm, sunny person like you.

Life sucks sometimes, but I know I’ll never ever truly be alone. Because I’ll always have you and you’re just a phone call away. And a conversation with you has never failed to brighten me right up. I absolutely love how there’s never a dearth of things to talk about. That reminds me, I really have an insane amount of important news to tell you and god, I need to meet you soon. Kerala trip, coming up.

And thank you, for sticking around. And never giving up on me. And for forgiving me when I acted like a total selfish bitch (remember our first and last fight in twelfth grade? good lord, what the fuck was I doing) To this day, I do not know what I did to deserve you, but I’m eternally grateful to the universe for letting me find you.

You gave me my happiest memories in Trissur. Every day with you was an absolute joy. I’ve never been the kind to miss school, I was more than happy to get the fuck out of there, but if there’s one single thing I do miss, it’s sitting with you and just talking non-stop, laughing like a lunatic at the stories you’d tell me (remember the little kid who was annoyed with sunlight in your school bus? It still makes me laugh when I think about it, jesus), reading those Health magazine sexology columns with you and Kiran in the library ahahahahah, ayyy. You see, the only parts of school life I miss, are the bits with you.

Good heavens, I sound gay.

Ay, but who cares. And I miss you terribly today. And I wish I could’ve been in town for your birthday, but I’m going to try and come in October and I shall bring your birthday gift along. But I’m glad you had a great birthday yesterday.

I think I’ll tell you the rest when I call you next.

I love you, baby girl. Always, always stay happy.

xx

The Day I Decided I’m Fabulous, My Life Got a Whole Lot Better

The ages 16 and 17 were tough on me and during this period I developed severe anxiety and horrible insecurities about the way I look and I think they stayed with me pretty much till around 6 months back when I got out of what I hadn’t realized was an extremely toxic relationship.

My life since then has been abso-fucking-lutely fabulous (if you’re catching all the SATC references, good job)

I guess it really is true when people say your thoughts have the power to attract things into your life because these days it appears fab parties, great friends, good times and hot men are just magically finding their way into my life. I also feel ultra confident in my own skin and I genuinely feel sexy in everything I wear.

My dear friend S in fact commented the other day, ‘It’s difficult to be sad around you, you’re so fucking happy’ and I swear that’s by far the best compliment I have ever received. I think I’d always like to be remembered as the person you absolutely cannot be unhappy around.

Of course I wasn’t always like this and I must honestly admit I still have some terrible days too (mostly PMS) when I just don’t feel fabulous or motivated to achieve greatness. But you see then again, here’s something you’ve heard a million times in your life and never believed,

happiness is a choice

It’s that easy. Just choose to think positive thoughts, watch a positive show, listen to some positive happy music, just literally force yourself to happy.

People tell me, it’s not that easy. Well, I don’t know about them, but it works perfectly fine for me.

Here’s what I do when I’m upset. I get myself a packet of chips. Nay, not Lays. Just that good old packet of potato chips you get from these local bakeries/cig shops at like every corner in town for 15 bucks. Of course it’s not healthy, it’s all pure carbs and my diet goes to shit but it tastes good and it’s my happy food.

I watch videos of cats, chiropractic adjustment compilations and my favourite body builders. Depends on my mood really. If I want to laugh, the cats always do their charm. Chiropractic adjustments always relax me. And bodybuilders are fucking hot and their dedication gets me all pumped up, like FUCK YES, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE, I’M GOING TO DO SOME SQUATS NOW.

I binge watch SATC or Parks and Rec or Modern Family or just the Dothraki bits of GOT season 1 (Drogo, you beast of a man, I love you)

I write corny shit. Works like a charm every time. I’m a sucker for love and I literally could sit for hours dreaming about my fantastic imaginary relationship with whoever I’ve a crush on at the time. Writing just makes it feel a whole lot more real and I love it. (I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, yes every single love/relationship piece I’ve written is fiction but ahahaha not for long, my one big love is coming)

I clean my room. Super relaxing. Super satisfying.

I update my calendar. Put little to-do’s and goals all through the month. I fucking love staying organized, it makes me feel very hmm, productive. Daz right. Sure some months I don’t really meet all my goals but that’s okay to make a plan is the first step and I know that maybe I’ll delay it but I’ll do it all at some point.

HUSTLE. HUSTLE. HUSTLE.

Some days I actually open my calendar and catch up on the stuff I’ve been putting off for fucking forever and it’s the most satisfying feeling. That reminds me, I need to seriously make some lifestyle posts for this blog.

I splurge. Would I regret it later at the end of the month when I’m broke and wishing I’d saved some cash? Probably. Am I going to worry about that and let it stop me now? AW HELL NO.

I join tinder. I barely stay for a day each time I do but somehow my tinder’s always been lucky and I always score some hot men and have some great conversations and go on some great dates. My male friends tell me this never happens and getting matches is rare so I guess it’s just us ladies who get lucky always on this wonderful app so oh well, works for me. I haven’t really been on tinder for ages now because life’s been pretty happening but I know when it starts to get boring, I trust dear tinder to spice it up.

I do self-care-pamper-sess. Skin care, exercise, stretch, waxing, drink some three liters of water, really just anything that makes me feel like I’m taking care of my body and pampering myself. (I recommend getting a foot reflexology done if you’re willing to shell out a few hundred bucks. It’s pretty fucking amazing and worth the cash spent) Skin care is pretty much an every day affair really, though and if you really know me you’d know I give serious importance to my naturally good, blessed skin and take immense care to ensure I never get acne. (water, really, it’s the secret)

Here’s what I never do when I’m upset. Drink. It always only makes it all worse for me because in all my experience alcohol has always acted as a downer for me unless in a club, where it tends to make me incredibly hyper and dance like a madwoman. Then again, I’m quitting alcohol y’all so one drink, max two, that’s it, no more. And you know what, almost sober partying isn’t so bad. I’m starting to really like it. The other night I went to this fancy ass hotel for a party and literally just had one beer and it didn’t hit me at all but it really didn’t matter. I had great company, the DJ played some bomb music, Imet an incredibly hot guy and I danced my heart out. What a fun night.

Of course life is not always so much fun and really the only thing that really gets me down is the fact that I’ve been single for too long now and I’m honestly yet to experience a relationship that goes beyond four months so you know, it gets lonely. But then again, I know exactly how wonderful I am. I’ve a big heart, a wonderful personality, a great body, ambitions and I’m fabulous. So you see, I refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve and they say good things come to those who wait and I know exactly what I want (read – a very specific type when it comes to men, heh) so I guess I’ll just wait it out.

And where has all my positivity gotten me? Oh well today I’m a confident, fiercely self-assured, happy person (on 6 days out of 7 since I invariably always have one low day I always have to fix) and I love my life.

You see, in my opinion, it all comes down to what you believe. I’m fabulous because I believe I’m fabulous. And you could be too, you just have to believe it.

xx

Dear K,

You awe me every day 

I think of you and pride fills my heart. Life has been particularly onerous from when you were far too young, but you’ve battled and risen past each bump in the road, risen like a phoenix from ashes.

You’re a fighter. And you inspire me every day.

I’ve traced the scars on your skin and they only tell me you were stronger than everything life has thrown at you to bring you down. Souvenirs from battles won.

And suddenly it feels like you’re going through a particularly tough phase and it breaks my heart. And this letter is to remind you to stay strong and keep fighting.

The day is not far when the past will stop clawing at you, causing this ache in your heart. The day isn’t far when it’ll finally stop hurting. But you need to hold on, and baby, as quick as the fix is, whisky is but temporary solace.

You’re a dreamer. But even better than that, you’re an achiever. I genuinely cannot wait for the day you get commissioned and I get to see you in uniform. I think I’ll weep with sheer joy.

(also 18 inches, ayyy)

So hustle until then. Hustle until one day you sit back in an armchair, memories replaying in your mind and there’s a peg of the finest scotch whisky in your hand, and you smile. You smile because you don’t drink to escape reality anymore, you drink to celebrate it. You smile because you’ve achieved every single goal you’ve ever dreamt of achieving and life is exactly how you want it to be. You’ll smile because the hustle has been hard but it’s been worth it.

And lastly, (hah this is of course my favorite because love is fantastic and I’m a romantic 4evzz and despite my already having said this to you 38795 times, I’m going to say this again) never give up on love. Some day in the near future, you’re going to find a beautiful heart that’s going to feel like home. And for the first time you’ll know what it’s like to be loved unconditionally, without the slightest trace of doubt. There will be no more pain, you’ll create a million new memories, pure, happy, absolutely beautiful ones, the past won’t hurt you anymore, it’ll reduce to mere blur. You see, you’ll be deliriously happy. Love is a choice, and she’ll choose you every day.

So believe it. You are going to be okay. You are not alone. And you’re going to achieve every mfkn dream you’ve ever had.

Now, hustle.

You’re a beast, boy. Never ever fail to remember that.

 

Much love xx

 

Girlfriends

For N and S, 

This letter is for all those times I couldn’t vocally express how much I fucking love you ladies and how much you mean to me and how much my life would absolutely suck whale cock if you weren’t in it.

Thank you.

Thank you for the hugs when I was breaking down and weeping like a fucking sad fuck and complaining about how much I despise being single and alone. Thank you for taking me seriously when I was in my fucked up hate phase and promising to always be there, and most importantly, thank you. For being there. Every single time.

Thank you for patiently listening to my endless rants about stupid boys (especially you, N), terrible dates and my countless insecurities and always saying nice things, encouraging me to feel better and love myself and always making me feel good.

Thank you for understanding and never taking it personally when I’d PMS like a bitch and snap like a stupid, immature fuck (I’m sorry guys). Thank you for coming along for my spontaneous shopping moods (especially you, S) and never complaining even if I left buying nothing new. Thank you for not rubbing it in my face when I had my hypocritical smoking phase.

Thank you for all the appreciation, motivation and compliments, if only you guys knew how it has helped my previously non-existent self esteem.

Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on through unhealthy, toxic relationships, fuckboys and always asking me to put myself first and helping me learn to fucking love myself. Thank you for spontaneous last minute clubbing-partying plans, sleepovers, photo sessions and cuddle-snuggle sess’s.

Thank you for Unicorns, PowerPuff ladies and all the other names we’ve previously designated for ourselves. Thank you for never judging my terrible decisions/ lifestyle choices. Thank you for being the Carrie and Miranda to my Samantha. Thank you for all the feel-good bitching and gossip sess. Thank you for being the sole reason why Uni doesn’t suck and being the only reason why I’m not a fucking loner in class. Thank you for the coffee/egg puff/nandini chai/movie runs. Thank you for being yourselves and existing. Thank you for being so absolutely awesome.

Thank you for making me feel important, like I’m a part of something.

God, I so fucking love you guys.

 

 

 

Beast

He’s wearing a jacket, a v-neck white tee and blue jeans and all I can think of is how desperately I want all of it off him. I want him naked, on top of me, fucking my cunt numb.

I lead him to my room, a king sized bed awaits us. Small talk. He takes off the jacket, I watch his biceps move up and down and his 17-inch arms flex. I involuntarily sigh. How is this man so goddamn hot, how will I ever get enough of him.

He sits at the edge of the bed. More small talk. I put my legs around him and sit on his lap. His lips are inches away from mine. My heartbeat quickens.

His lips meet mine.

Yes.

Hungry kisses. My fingers in his hair. He’s holding me close at my waist. His perfectly groomed beard grazes my neck. His lips move lower to my collarbones. A soft moan escapes me. I’m grinding against him, I’m dripping wet already. It makes me smile internally, oh babe, you drive me insane with want. 

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Solace

I’m trembling.

He holds me in his arms.

I’m shaking, my mind is exploding with emotions I cannot contain.

I’m a mess, a broken mess but right now in his arms I’m starting to feel safe again.

Please don’t let go.

There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

Suddenly it doesn’t matter how my past is looming over my heart like a dark cloud preparing to come down as pouring rain and leave me drenched, it doesn’t matter how I detest the way I look, the million issues I have with my body, it doesn’t matter how I think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. My inadequacies are reducing to a blur.

Because suddenly all that matters is the solace the rhythm of his steady heartbeat offers, and his strong arms enveloping me entirely, cocooning me in his warmth.

Hush, baby girl. I’m here now. 

You’ve spent your entire life trying to heal broken people and fix broken things and you’ve ignored how much of damage that has inflicted on you for far too long. You put aside the fact that you were left broken too, in the process. Now let me help you fix yourself, help you heal all of your broken pieces. 

Kaya, he pauses.

I love you. 

I love you, Kaya. I love you with every fiber of my being. And I knew I was in love when I first saw you walking up to me your wild hair flying free in the wind, your stride poised and confident. You were so stunningly beautiful, in your own wild, bohemian way. 

I knew I was in love when you waved and flashed that bright smile and I knew in my heart I’d never get enough of it, and all I ever wanted was to make sure that smile would never leave your lips. 

And I realize now how much I love you when I feel your heart breaking and I discern, so is my own. 

Kaya, beautiful Kaya, I love you, baby girl. I’m here now and I promise to stay. I need you to smile again.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me in even closer. Never have I ever been hugged so tight.

My heart melts.

I’d managed to fight back tears until now but no longer can I hold them in.

They roll down my cheek. These aren’t tears of sorrow, they are those of profound joy.

I sit up and put my arms around his neck and I whisper in his ears, I love you too. My voice chokes.

There is so much I wish to say,  so much I need to express. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. For the first time in my life, my words will have to wait.

For now I’m going to stay wrapped in his arms, savour this silence and cherish every little thing about this moment. It is so absolutely imperfectly perfect, it makes me smile.

Lord, I’m in love, so unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly in love. And for the first time, I feel just as unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly loved.