Excerpts from the book I will most probably never complete – I
I lost my virginity at seventeen to a tall boy with light brown eyes who I thought I would always be with and eventually marry. Ishaan. I remember the day like it was yesterday. We had only been together for a month and it had been nothing like I had imagined; not slow, not gentle, no soft whispers of sweet nothings and declarations of his undying love for me. Fifteen minutes was all it took, the pain blinded me and I had to bite my own arm to keep myself from screaming. He lay beside me after that, put my head on his chest and asked me how it had felt. I fought back my tears, thought about all the dreams and plans I had of our perfect future together and lied through my teeth, Perfect.
And what was clear unblemished skin, below the fading scars of the past, now holds three fresh cuts. But the wrist is thin and soft, and this time, the second cut’s a millimetre too deep. So she bleeds, she drops to the floor and she bleeds. She bleeds until the tears are dry, the blood’s dark and spread out all over the porcelain white tile underneath her palm, turning into one hard blot with the passing of each minute. Her head’s heavy and breaths are ragged. The sting from each time the shiny metal met her young skin is long gone. Her body’s numb. And then one final breath, her eyes close with her lips still parted. There will be no more pain, no more hate, no more nights spent crying till her eyes hurt. It’s over.
You are but just 19. Your life awaits to be lived, memories await to be made, and many, many moments of happiness await to come alive.
Worry not, sweet thing.
Someday you’ll meet a beautiful man and he’ll treat you exactly how you wish to be treated. He’ll give you kisses on the cheek when you least expect it, tight hugs when you need it the most, tight hugs when you do those little things you’ll always do to bring a smile on his face, and flowers, just because you like them. He’ll appreciate you. With him, you’ll understand for the first time, what making love feels like. He’ll tell you that you’re beautiful. Your rituals won’t be silly anymore and he’ll understand how you value small joys and gestures. The only pain you’ll feel with him would be your tummy aching from laughing too hard and the only tears you’ll shed will be ones of sheer joy. He’ll respect you and treat you with the kindness you deserve. He’ll understand you and your ways, You’ll never go to bed upset and feeling lonely, there will not be nights spent crying and mornings waking up with swollen eyes, you’ll never feel like you’re not a priority, you’ll never feel like a second choice again. You’d be the only choice. And he’ll choose you every day.