Mi Amor,

Before you open your heart to me, remember this.

I’ve my terrible days. Days when I cannot get out of the bed because the weight of a past that I fight to let go of brings me down and leaves me frozen, a million painful memories replay in my brain. I’ve far too many insecurities, they attack in phases. On these days, I’m fragile, tender and permanently on the verge of tears, and the smallest things you say could lead me to a complete breakdown. I don’t get angry, I close myself off. I take time to open up.

But then again, those are just the bad days. And they are rare.

My love is fierce, powerful and it will consume you like a fire. I do not love lightly, I’m incapable of doing so. My love will wash over you like a wave. Call me intense. Hold me often. I need massive amounts of attention. I need to be a priority. I will fight for you, but I will not compete. I am loyal to the bone. I dream big. I despise negativity. My laughter is loud and you will hear it abnormally often. I will spoil you with attention, surprises, adorable notes and gifts. Fight for me, I am not easy. Show me I’m not making a mistake by never letting go and never giving up on us. I will make you my first priority. I would want to grow with you, as a person and in age. I will put my faith in you. Do not break my trust, I do not give third chances.
I won’t walk away but once I do, I will not look back. I’ll be as heartless as a stone.

Pep Talk

The past does not matter.

It does not matter how much you’ve fucked shit up, how many people you’ve hurt, how many people hurt you, how many regrets you have. Today is a new day. Today you could make amends. Today you move on.

Today is a chance. Use it wisely.

If there’s someone you’ve hurt and if it pricks your conscience, pick that phone up, dial up their number, apologize/explain/appease, do whatever it takes to make peace once again in your heart.

If you’ve been hurt by someone at some point and you can’t stop thinking about it, ask yourself this, is it worth it? Putting yourself through pain for someone else’s fuck up?  It’s done, you’re here now, you can start afresh. Heartbreak isn’t forever. Let it go. People come and go. Some stay, some don’t. The ones who do, care about you. Focus on them.

Happiness is the only one thing worth fighting for. So fight for whatever makes you happy. Success, fame, fitness, money, whatever it may be. Take one step towards it today. Set goals. Make a plan. Remember this, in the end, when it all works out, you’re going to appreciate every sweat you broke in your efforts to achieve it.

You will find love. Believe this. But first learn to love yourself. You cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t do it yourself. Look in the mirror, say I love myself three times, yell if you can. Do this everyday. Start now. Your perceived physical flaws will nag at you. You’re short. You have acne. You’re skinny. You’re pale. You’re fat. You’re dark. Your nose is too round. Your lips are too thin. Too much, too little. Silence them. Ask yourself one question, am I the best version of myself that I can be? Everything comes down to what your answer is. If you think you are, that’s it. Someday soon someone will come along who’ll fall head over heels in love with everything you are, or someone who’s already a part of your life will learn to appreciate the beautiful, absolutely unique combination of atoms, molecules and thoughts that you are. If you think there’s room for improvement, work on yourself. Work out. Run. Stretch. Cleanse. Take care of your skin. Get a spa done. Pamper yourself. Get a pedicure, a manicure, a haircut, whatever brings you closer to the best version of yourself. I personally believe being the best physical version of yourself naturally makes you confident, self-assured and optimistic.

That pretty much covers it but here are some totally random things I really think could help anyone at any point to feel better.

When things chaotic, block the world out, plug in your headphones, blast some good music. Always have a happy, pumped up playlist. If you’re an artist, even better. Splash colours, whip out a paintbrush, create your own abstract masterpiece, swish swash. Dance. Read the Dork trilogy by Sidin Vadakut (fucking epic books, hilarious as fuck). Go to a fancy ass cafe, order fancy ass food, devour that shit. Get that tattoo/piercing/both you’ve been putting off for ages. Wine. Is there any bad day, good wine can’t fix? Get hold of your friends, get a girls night out/ boys night out going. Long drives, baby. Get drunk, get stoned, trip balls. Scream. Run. Redecorate your room. Paint a wall. Bake a cake. Create an illustration. Watch a DIY video and make something. Write a letter to your best friend. Write a letter to future you. Bicycle ride. Um, burger and fries y’all. Yoga. Attempt a split. Make a new Pinterest board. Get your ass on Tinder, swipe swipe swipe. Memes memes memes. Click a self portrait, edit the shit out of it on Lightroom. Eat sweet green grapes (honestly the best froot ever) Solve Sudoku. Sing along to your favorite song. Call up an old friend. Order takeout. Get a tub of Mississippi Mud. Watch a corny chickflick. Do anything and everything could possibly make you happy.

You deserve to be happy always!

23328000 seconds of you

Mi Amor,

Four months into being us, one cloudy Sunday morning I woke up to you, wrapped in your arms and I realized that I was completely, utterly and unconditionally in love with you. The breeze was cool, the sky was downcast and it was quiet all around, and for the first time in my life, absolute contentedness filled my heart and brought tears to my eyes. There I was, in the arms of a man who always made sure I went to sleep happy, who always made efforts to meet me and talk to me as often as he could, and who was patient and understanding. You woke up and you kissed me on my forehead and in that moment, I finally understood what absolute, sheer bliss felt like.

Five months into being us, we had our first big fight and it felt like I was crashing and my world was falling apart. Two hours later, you were at my doorstep with my favourite flowers in your hand and tear stricken eyes and it broke my heart, it didn’t matter what the stupid fight had been about, all that mattered was you were here now and everything was going to be okay. I wrapped you in my arms and covered you in kisses and in that moment I swore to myself I’d never let a single tear escape your eyes again because of me.

Six months into being us, we celebrated with pizza, red wine and a chick-flick you graciously let me pick. You gifted me a bracelet with popcorn and motorbike charms (our first date. It touched my heart and it was the most thoughtful little gift), we reminisced and laughed about how drenched we got in the rain on the ride back when you were dropping me to my place after our very first date. I told you that wouldn’t have had it any other way and days that followed have been the very best of my life. That night we made love for the very first time and when you whispered, I love you, baby girl, you have my heart, I wept with pure joy and I promised myself to never let you go, to fight to keep you happy every single day, and to always, always be there for you.

Today marks nine months of us. And every day I thank my stars for having led me to you. You, with your strong arms, the tight hugs you give me to make my bad days brighter and good days even better. You, with your warm brown eyes, how you look deep into my eyes and tell me every day that you love me. You, with your kind smile, how you always say all the right things to make me feel good whether or not I’m feeling low. You, with your charm and quick wit, how you make me double up laughing.

You taught me that home can be a loving heart, you taught me to appreciate the little things in life and most importantly, you taught me to fall impossibly, desperately and insanely in love.

I found love when I found you, I got fucking lucky. And boy, am I glad.

Regret, pretty boy

Somedays, I am filled with uncontrollable rage. Words pour, trying their hardest to escape my seething mind’s piercing clutch but they cannot. My head pounds, ink bleeds and spills over fresh white crisp paper.

You’ve taken her loyalty for granted.

You use her, lie to her, tell her she’s the only one in your life.

Whisper sweet nothings.

She is a naïve fool. Gullible. Believes every lie that comes out of your filthy mouth. But are you guilt ridden? Just the slightest bit? No.

Somewhere along the way, through your confusing pubescent years maybe, you had your heart brutally broken, something you never really recovered from. You promised yourself you’d never let yourself be that vulnerable again. Now all you do is break hearts. You’ve locked up your emotions, tucked them away safely at the farthest, darkest corners of your heart and you are stone cold.

You’re always on the back of her mind, throughout her day. She wonders how you are doing and if you’re having a good day.

Ay, but you, you think of her once, maybe just maybe twice a day. She’s a good stress-buster, a boost to your inflated ego. An object of your lust.


You have no conscience to prick you and keep you awake at nights, knowing fully well each time you lie through your teeth, I love you, she takes you seriously. It does not matter that she loves you with every beat of her heart. She is a fool, she puts you on a pedestal. It works for you.

Revolting. My stomach churns.

There’s always a crusty transition. From the endless calls you had to make and corny texts you had to send to a half-ass reply to the ten consecutive texts she’d send and ultimately ignoring all her calls. You tell her you’re busy and ask her to not disturb you so much. It hurts her but she’s under the illusion you’re doing productive things with your useless life and wants to be supportive. She feels like a disturbance and she hates it. It makes her insecure. But things are suddenly uncomfortable and she doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore. Everything’s changed so quickly.

She craves your attention but you’re done with her. While she goes on believing you’re working harder, you’ve found another pretty face to prey on.

Now she’s a liability, a headache.

You break her with sharp words and insults. You raise your voice. You ignore her completely.


And then one day, she opens her eyes and sees the light. She is shattered and it hurts like her heart is slowly ripping apart. Days pass, nights spent wailing, hating herself, crying herself to sleep. How could she have been so blind. Until one night when she doesn’t shed a single tear. She is starting to move on.

Weeks pass, maybe a month.

It is unfortunate, but there is something deeply wrong with you. You cannot handle that. You see that she’s healing and you need to know you still have power over her. Your ego needs a consolation that you are her weakness and she will always need you.

You go back to her, loaded with empty promises and acknowledgement of a mistake you have made. But you don’t mean a single thing. You just need her back, at any cost.

She is at the edge of forgiving you, you sick piece of shit. But I’ll tell you what’s different now. She has good friends, something you will never have. Her friends have seen the absolute torture you’ve put her through and they will not stand letting her go through it again. They knock sense into her, remind her of what she truly deserves. She trusts them. They’ve been with her and helped her through her darkest days.

It’s over. She slams the door in your face.

What a bitch, is your first thought. Of course you’ll not let yourself get soft. You’re already trying to find another good heart to prey on.

Months pass, she mends her shattered heart.

It is after that, after several months, maybe years that it truly hits you, how empty your life is. There is a void in your heart. You crave real affection. You have no friends, they grew sick of your games. You are growing sick of your games. You crave real affection but you’ve lost everyone who has ever cared about you.

You’re all alone and you have nobody to love you.

You text her. You’re lonely and you’re starting to remember.

You see, she was your biggest prize, the only one who stuck around until the very end, until it was just not possible to hold on.

You remember how she spent every waking moment doing things to make you happy, to brighten your bad days, how she’d curl up into a ball in your arms when she’d get cute, how she’d cover your face in kisses after a long day. You see, in your heart, you always knew it was highly unlikely anyone could ever love stone cold bastard like you any more than her. It shocked you how deep her affection for you was. But you were too much into games, too busy trying to appease your ego and her intensity terrified you.

You miss it now.

You miss everything.

You miss her.

But she has long moved on.

Somewhere along the way, you see, she found a beautiful man who treats her like she deserves, like a queen. He helped her heal, grow stronger than ever and find love again.

You are now, but a mere fading memory.

Regret, pretty boy. It stings, doesn’t it?