Vow

You close your eyes and look away. You’re fighting back tears and it absolutely crushes me. It breaks my heart, you have a past so troubled. And it breaks my heart because you, my love, you deserved none of it.

A single tear rolls down.

No love, hush, you’re okay now. You’re in my arms and you’re safe. I’m going to hold you close and tight for as long as you want me to. I’ll rock you softly, wrap you in my warmth. I kiss your forehead.

I love you. I whisper and I feel your arms tighten around me.

But how could you ever believe me after being let down far too many times by those who whispered the same.

You’re terrified. You’re terrified you’ll let me in and I’ll leave you too.

But no, love. Open your heart, just one more time.

My heart brims with love, let it wash over you. I’ll love you until it surprises you and shocks you how happy you are; you’ve known pain and sorrow for too long, now let me show you pure, sheer joy. The past will soon seem like a mere blur.

I vow to fight for you, to fight to make us work, to fill your life with a ton of fond, happy new memories and experiences. I vow to always be your sunshine, to always ask about your day and to kiss you good night and good morning. I vow to never ever let you go to sleep upset. I vow to hug you and hold you close every chance I get. I promise to give you your space, never interfere with your boys’ night plans and game nights. But most importantly, I vow, love, to never ever give up on us, no matter how difficult things get and I promise to love you with every beat of my heart.

And all I ask of you is this, open your heart again, let me in, let me love you and help you heal.

Sleep now, here in my lap, sleep like a baby, soft, quiet breaths and thoughts untroubled, knowing I’m here now and I’m here to stay.

Animal

We’re finally alone and I can feel the animal in me unleash itself. I want to taste him, feel his skin, fuck like there’s no tomorrow. He’s made me wait a week and it has driven me insane with sheer need.

He’s sedentary on the bed and I put my legs around him, my lips are inches away from his and my fingers clutch at his hair. I can wait no longer. I close my eyes and his lips crush mine. He sucks on my lip, I taste him, and lord, he tastes good.

He unbuttons my shirt and I take off his t-shirt. I know he likes what he sees, I can see it in his eyes and with the quiet grunt that escapes him.

His lips trail lower and he leaves deep kisses at my neck, nibbles at it. I feel his teeth grazing, leaving soft bites at the hollow of my collarbones and it is driving me crazy with pure pleasure. My weakness. Soft moans escape me, I arch backwards. He pulls me closer and he doesn’t stop. Fuck, this feels good.

His lips find mine again and then I can feel him standing up. He’s lifting me. His arms, oh my, they’re so strong, so rock hard. I cling to him, my mouth hungry for his, my legs wrapped around him and my fingers in his hair. I feel him turn, bend slowly towards the bed and place me every so gently on the bed.

Lord, I want this boy. I want him inside me.

Read More

Rains

Monsoon is here and there’s nothing I’d rather do than curl up underneath the softest soybean quilt I can find, make myself a cup of hot cocoa and watch reruns of Sex and the City.  

I’ve never been a fan of the rains. I can’t stand getting wet in it. And I never could relate to authors writing about how romantic this season is and how absolutely amazing kissing in the pouring rain is. 

Monsoon is a depressing season. I hate how absolutely quiet it suddenly gets, how the sky is downcast and grey instead of its usual magnificent blue dotted with white cotton candy clouds. I miss sunshine, beautiful, joyful sunshine. I hate how the earth’s now permanently wet and slushy, how my clothes take forever to dry, how I can no longer step out with just my wallet and phone, now I’ve to carry an annoying umbrella which is a wet nuisance. 

Most of all, I hate how this season reminds me of you, of how we’d light a marlboro and complain about how much we hate the rain, how we’d spend chilly nights wrapped in each other under your ridiculously thick quilt, how you’d make me your signature coffee and I’d settle in your lap and we’d stay that way for hours, talking about nihilism, Marquez and Bukowski. 

The rains bring me memories of you and they’re bittersweet. 

Happy Birthday, Joy

 

And when we meet, hold me tight and close like you’ll never let go. And I’ll melt in the warmth of your embrace. You’re my safe haven.

And when we meet, look deep into my eyes; they say I’m hard to read but I’ll tell you a secret, my eyes can’t hide a single thing. Look deep into my eyes and you’ll read my soul.

And when we meet, I’ll touch your face, trace the outline of your jaw, run my finger down your neck, over your collarbones. I have craved this moment for months. I have craved the feel of your skin.

And when we meet, you’ll finally see the blush you always feel over far too many telephone conversations; kiss my cheeks then and watch the shyest, happiest smile spread across my face, this smile’s going to stay.

And when we meet, there will be such unfamiliar familiarity. Of souls that have gotten close over time lacking just the blessing that is physical touch.

And when we meet, you’ll see my walls come down and my heart open up again. Distance will no longer serve as an excuse. Love will consume me.

Mi Amor,

Before you open your heart to me, remember this.

I’ve my terrible days. Days when I cannot get out of the bed because the weight of a past that I fight to let go of brings me down and leaves me frozen, a million painful memories replay in my brain. I’ve far too many insecurities, they attack in phases. On these days, I’m fragile, tender and permanently on the verge of tears, and the smallest things you say could lead me to a complete breakdown. I don’t get angry, I close myself off. I take time to open up.

But then again, those are just the bad days. And they are rare.

My love is fierce, powerful and it will consume you like a fire. I do not love lightly, I’m incapable of doing so. My love will wash over you like a wave. Call me intense. Hold me often. I need massive amounts of attention. I need to be a priority. I will fight for you, but I will not compete. I am loyal to the bone. I dream big. I despise negativity. My laughter is loud and you will hear it abnormally often. I will spoil you with attention, surprises, adorable notes and gifts. Fight for me, I am not easy. Show me I’m not making a mistake by never letting go and never giving up on us. I will make you my first priority. I would want to grow with you, as a person and in age. I will put my faith in you. Do not break my trust, I do not give third chances.
I won’t walk away but once I do, I will not look back. I’ll be as heartless as a stone.

Pep Talk

The past does not matter.

It does not matter how much you’ve fucked shit up, how many people you’ve hurt, how many people hurt you, how many regrets you have. Today is a new day. Today you could make amends. Today you move on.

Today is a chance. Use it wisely.

If there’s someone you’ve hurt and if it pricks your conscience, pick that phone up, dial up their number, apologize/explain/appease, do whatever it takes to make peace once again in your heart.

If you’ve been hurt by someone at some point and you can’t stop thinking about it, ask yourself this, is it worth it? Putting yourself through pain for someone else’s fuck up?  It’s done, you’re here now, you can start afresh. Heartbreak isn’t forever. Let it go. People come and go. Some stay, some don’t. The ones who do, care about you. Focus on them.

Happiness is the only one thing worth fighting for. So fight for whatever makes you happy. Success, fame, fitness, money, whatever it may be. Take one step towards it today. Set goals. Make a plan. Remember this, in the end, when it all works out, you’re going to appreciate every sweat you broke in your efforts to achieve it.

You will find love. Believe this. But first learn to love yourself. You cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t do it yourself. Look in the mirror, say I love myself three times, yell if you can. Do this everyday. Start now. Your perceived physical flaws will nag at you. You’re short. You have acne. You’re skinny. You’re pale. You’re fat. You’re dark. Your nose is too round. Your lips are too thin. Too much, too little. Silence them. Ask yourself one question, am I the best version of myself that I can be? Everything comes down to what your answer is. If you think you are, that’s it. Someday soon someone will come along who’ll fall head over heels in love with everything you are, or someone who’s already a part of your life will learn to appreciate the beautiful, absolutely unique combination of atoms, molecules and thoughts that you are. If you think there’s room for improvement, work on yourself. Work out. Run. Stretch. Cleanse. Take care of your skin. Get a spa done. Pamper yourself. Get a pedicure, a manicure, a haircut, whatever brings you closer to the best version of yourself. I personally believe being the best physical version of yourself naturally makes you confident, self-assured and optimistic.

That pretty much covers it but here are some totally random things I really think could help anyone at any point to feel better.

When things chaotic, block the world out, plug in your headphones, blast some good music. Always have a happy, pumped up playlist. If you’re an artist, even better. Splash colours, whip out a paintbrush, create your own abstract masterpiece, swish swash. Dance. Read the Dork trilogy by Sidin Vadakut (fucking epic books, hilarious as fuck). Go to a fancy ass cafe, order fancy ass food, devour that shit. Get that tattoo/piercing/both you’ve been putting off for ages. Wine. Is there any bad day, good wine can’t fix? Get hold of your friends, get a girls night out/ boys night out going. Long drives, baby. Get drunk, get stoned, trip balls. Scream. Run. Redecorate your room. Paint a wall. Bake a cake. Create an illustration. Watch a DIY video and make something. Write a letter to your best friend. Write a letter to future you. Bicycle ride. Um, burger and fries y’all. Yoga. Attempt a split. Make a new Pinterest board. Get your ass on Tinder, swipe swipe swipe. Memes memes memes. Click a self portrait, edit the shit out of it on Lightroom. Eat sweet green grapes (honestly the best froot ever) Solve Sudoku. Sing along to your favorite song. Call up an old friend. Order takeout. Get a tub of Mississippi Mud. Watch a corny chickflick. Do anything and everything could possibly make you happy.

You deserve to be happy always!

23328000 seconds of you

Mi Amor,

Four months into being us, one cloudy Sunday morning I woke up to you, wrapped in your arms and I realized that I was completely, utterly and unconditionally in love with you. The breeze was cool, the sky was downcast and it was quiet all around, and for the first time in my life, absolute contentedness filled my heart and brought tears to my eyes. There I was, in the arms of a man who always made sure I went to sleep happy, who always made efforts to meet me and talk to me as often as he could, and who was patient and understanding. You woke up and you kissed me on my forehead and in that moment, I finally understood what absolute, sheer bliss felt like.

Five months into being us, we had our first big fight and it felt like I was crashing and my world was falling apart. Two hours later, you were at my doorstep with my favourite flowers in your hand and tear stricken eyes and it broke my heart, it didn’t matter what the stupid fight had been about, all that mattered was you were here now and everything was going to be okay. I wrapped you in my arms and covered you in kisses and in that moment I swore to myself I’d never let a single tear escape your eyes again because of me.

Six months into being us, we celebrated with pizza, red wine and a chick-flick you graciously let me pick. You gifted me a bracelet with popcorn and motorbike charms (our first date. It touched my heart and it was the most thoughtful little gift), we reminisced and laughed about how drenched we got in the rain on the ride back when you were dropping me to my place after our very first date. I told you that wouldn’t have had it any other way and days that followed have been the very best of my life. That night we made love for the very first time and when you whispered, I love you, baby girl, you have my heart, I wept with pure joy and I promised myself to never let you go, to fight to keep you happy every single day, and to always, always be there for you.

Today marks nine months of us. And every day I thank my stars for having led me to you. You, with your strong arms, the tight hugs you give me to make my bad days brighter and good days even better. You, with your warm brown eyes, how you look deep into my eyes and tell me every day that you love me. You, with your kind smile, how you always say all the right things to make me feel good whether or not I’m feeling low. You, with your charm and quick wit, how you make me double up laughing.

You taught me that home can be a loving heart, you taught me to appreciate the little things in life and most importantly, you taught me to fall impossibly, desperately and insanely in love.

I found love when I found you, I got fucking lucky. And boy, am I glad.