Anna,

Happy birthday, sunshine

As long as I live, I will never forget how you came over and introduced yourself on the first day of eleventh grade with the warmest of smiles and I so clearly remember how we got close, you practically dragged me away from that random Commerce chick on the steps, and spent the rest of PE with me just talking for one hour straight. Then we started to sit together, and eventually, I found my best friend in you.

That’s you. My best friend. And everywhere I go, deep inside I know all I try to find is someone just like you. But that’s the thing, no one can be you. No one I’ve ever met in the twenty years of my existence is as fiercely loyal,  adorable and selflessly kind as you. No one I’ve ever met has a heart as big as yours.

And every day, I strive to be a warm, sunny person like you.

Life sucks sometimes, but I know I’ll never ever truly be alone. Because I’ll always have you and you’re just a phone call away. And a conversation with you has never failed to brighten me right up. I absolutely love how there’s never a dearth of things to talk about. That reminds me, I really have an insane amount of important news to tell you and god, I need to meet you soon. Kerala trip, coming up.

And thank you, for sticking around. And never giving up on me. And for forgiving me when I acted like a total selfish bitch (remember our first and last fight in twelfth grade? good lord, what the fuck was I doing) To this day, I do not know what I did to deserve you, but I’m eternally grateful to the universe for letting me find you.

You gave me my happiest memories in Trissur. Every day with you was an absolute joy. I’ve never been the kind to miss school, I was more than happy to get the fuck out of there, but if there’s one single thing I do miss, it’s sitting with you and just talking non-stop, laughing like a lunatic at the stories you’d tell me (remember the little kid who was annoyed with sunlight in your school bus? It still makes me laugh when I think about it, jesus), reading those Health magazine sexology columns with you and Kiran in the library ahahahahah, ayyy. You see, the only parts of school life I miss, are the bits with you.

Good heavens, I sound gay.

Ay, but who cares. And I miss you terribly today. And I wish I could’ve been in town for your birthday, but I’m going to try and come in October and I shall bring your birthday gift along. But I’m glad you had a great birthday yesterday.

I think I’ll tell you the rest when I call you next.

I love you, baby girl. Always, always stay happy.

xx

The Day I Decided I’m Fabulous, My Life Got a Whole Lot Better

The ages 16 and 17 were tough on me and during this period I developed severe anxiety and horrible insecurities about the way I look and I think they stayed with me pretty much till around 6 months back when I got out of what I hadn’t realized was an extremely toxic relationship.

My life since then has been abso-fucking-lutely fabulous (if you’re catching all the SATC references, good job)

I guess it really is true when people say your thoughts have the power to attract things into your life because these days it appears fab parties, great friends, good times and hot men are just magically finding their way into my life. I also feel ultra confident in my own skin and I genuinely feel sexy in everything I wear.

My dear friend S in fact commented the other day, ‘It’s difficult to be sad around you, you’re so fucking happy’ and I swear that’s by far the best compliment I have ever received. I think I’d always like to be remembered as the person you absolutely cannot be unhappy around.

Of course I wasn’t always like this and I must honestly admit I still have some terrible days too (mostly PMS) when I just don’t feel fabulous or motivated to achieve greatness. But you see then again, here’s something you’ve heard a million times in your life and never believed,

happiness is a choice

It’s that easy. Just choose to think positive thoughts, watch a positive show, listen to some positive happy music, just literally force yourself to happy.

People tell me, it’s not that easy. Well, I don’t know about them, but it works perfectly fine for me.

Here’s what I do when I’m upset. I get myself a packet of chips. Nay, not Lays. Just that good old packet of potato chips you get from these local bakeries/cig shops at like every corner in town for 15 bucks. Of course it’s not healthy, it’s all pure carbs and my diet goes to shit but it tastes good and it’s my happy food.

I watch videos of cats, chiropractic adjustment compilations and my favourite body builders. Depends on my mood really. If I want to laugh, the cats always do their charm. Chiropractic adjustments always relax me. And bodybuilders are fucking hot and their dedication gets me all pumped up, like FUCK YES, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE, I’M GOING TO DO SOME SQUATS NOW.

I binge watch SATC or Parks and Rec or Modern Family or just the Dothraki bits of GOT season 1 (Drogo, you beast of a man, I love you)

I write corny shit. Works like a charm every time. I’m a sucker for love and I literally could sit for hours dreaming about my fantastic imaginary relationship with whoever I’ve a crush on at the time. Writing just makes it feel a whole lot more real and I love it. (I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, yes every single love/relationship piece I’ve written is fiction but ahahaha not for long, my one big love is coming)

I clean my room. Super relaxing. Super satisfying.

I update my calendar. Put little to-do’s and goals all through the month. I fucking love staying organized, it makes me feel very hmm, productive. Daz right. Sure some months I don’t really meet all my goals but that’s okay to make a plan is the first step and I know that maybe I’ll delay it but I’ll do it all at some point.

HUSTLE. HUSTLE. HUSTLE.

Some days I actually open my calendar and catch up on the stuff I’ve been putting off for fucking forever and it’s the most satisfying feeling. That reminds me, I need to seriously make some lifestyle posts for this blog.

I splurge. Would I regret it later at the end of the month when I’m broke and wishing I’d saved some cash? Probably. Am I going to worry about that and let it stop me now? AW HELL NO.

I join tinder. I barely stay for a day each time I do but somehow my tinder’s always been lucky and I always score some hot men and have some great conversations and go on some great dates. My male friends tell me this never happens and getting matches is rare so I guess it’s just us ladies who get lucky always on this wonderful app so oh well, works for me. I haven’t really been on tinder for ages now because life’s been pretty happening but I know when it starts to get boring, I trust dear tinder to spice it up.

I do self-care-pamper-sess. Skin care, exercise, stretch, waxing, drink some three liters of water, really just anything that makes me feel like I’m taking care of my body and pampering myself. (I recommend getting a foot reflexology done if you’re willing to shell out a few hundred bucks. It’s pretty fucking amazing and worth the cash spent) Skin care is pretty much an every day affair really, though and if you really know me you’d know I give serious importance to my naturally good, blessed skin and take immense care to ensure I never get acne. (water, really, it’s the secret)

Here’s what I never do when I’m upset. Drink. It always only makes it all worse for me because in all my experience alcohol has always acted as a downer for me unless in a club, where it tends to make me incredibly hyper and dance like a madwoman. Then again, I’m quitting alcohol y’all so one drink, max two, that’s it, no more. And you know what, almost sober partying isn’t so bad. I’m starting to really like it. The other night I went to this fancy ass hotel for a party and literally just had one beer and it didn’t hit me at all but it really didn’t matter. I had great company, the DJ played some bomb music, Imet an incredibly hot guy and I danced my heart out. What a fun night.

Of course life is not always so much fun and really the only thing that really gets me down is the fact that I’ve been single for too long now and I’m honestly yet to experience a relationship that goes beyond four months so you know, it gets lonely. But then again, I know exactly how wonderful I am. I’ve a big heart, a wonderful personality, a great body, ambitions and I’m fabulous. So you see, I refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve and they say good things come to those who wait and I know exactly what I want (read – a very specific type when it comes to men, heh) so I guess I’ll just wait it out.

And where has all my positivity gotten me? Oh well today I’m a confident, fiercely self-assured, happy person (on 6 days out of 7 since I invariably always have one low day I always have to fix) and I love my life.

You see, in my opinion, it all comes down to what you believe. I’m fabulous because I believe I’m fabulous. And you could be too, you just have to believe it.

xx

Solace

I’m trembling.

He holds me in his arms.

I’m shaking, my mind is exploding with emotions I cannot contain.

I’m a mess, a broken mess but right now in his arms I’m starting to feel safe again.

Please don’t let go.

There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

Suddenly it doesn’t matter how my past is looming over my heart like a dark cloud preparing to come down as pouring rain and leave me drenched, it doesn’t matter how I detest the way I look, the million issues I have with my body, it doesn’t matter how I think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. My inadequacies are reducing to a blur.

Because suddenly all that matters is the solace the rhythm of his steady heartbeat offers, and his strong arms enveloping me entirely, cocooning me in his warmth.

Hush, baby girl. I’m here now. 

You’ve spent your entire life trying to heal broken people and fix broken things and you’ve ignored how much of damage that has inflicted on you for far too long. You put aside the fact that you were left broken too, in the process. Now let me help you fix yourself, help you heal all of your broken pieces. 

Kaya, he pauses.

I love you. 

I love you, Kaya. I love you with every fiber of my being. And I knew I was in love when I first saw you walking up to me your wild hair flying free in the wind, your stride poised and confident. You were so stunningly beautiful, in your own wild, bohemian way. 

I knew I was in love when you waved and flashed that bright smile and I knew in my heart I’d never get enough of it, and all I ever wanted was to make sure that smile would never leave your lips. 

And I realize now how much I love you when I feel your heart breaking and I discern, so is my own. 

Kaya, beautiful Kaya, I love you, baby girl. I’m here now and I promise to stay. I need you to smile again.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me in even closer. Never have I ever been hugged so tight.

My heart melts.

I’d managed to fight back tears until now but no longer can I hold them in.

They roll down my cheek. These aren’t tears of sorrow, they are those of profound joy.

I sit up and put my arms around his neck and I whisper in his ears, I love you too. My voice chokes.

There is so much I wish to say,  so much I need to express. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. For the first time in my life, my words will have to wait.

For now I’m going to stay wrapped in his arms, savour this silence and cherish every little thing about this moment. It is so absolutely imperfectly perfect, it makes me smile.

Lord, I’m in love, so unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly in love. And for the first time, I feel just as unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly loved.

Vow

You close your eyes and look away. You’re fighting back tears and it absolutely crushes me. It breaks my heart, you have a past so troubled. And it breaks my heart because you, my love, you deserved none of it.

A single tear rolls down.

No love, hush, you’re okay now. You’re in my arms and you’re safe. I’m going to hold you close and tight for as long as you want me to. I’ll rock you softly, wrap you in my warmth. I kiss your forehead.

I love you. I whisper and I feel your arms tighten around me.

But how could you ever believe me after being let down far too many times by those who whispered the same.

You’re terrified. You’re terrified you’ll let me in and I’ll leave you too.

But no, love. Open your heart, just one more time.

My heart brims with love, let it wash over you. I’ll love you until it surprises you and shocks you how happy you are; you’ve known pain and sorrow for too long, now let me show you pure, sheer joy. The past will soon seem like a mere blur.

I vow to fight for you, to fight to make us work, to fill your life with a ton of fond, happy new memories and experiences. I vow to always be your sunshine, to always ask about your day and to kiss you good night and good morning. I vow to never ever let you go to sleep upset. I vow to hug you and hold you close every chance I get. I promise to give you your space, never interfere with your boys’ night plans and game nights. But most importantly, I vow, love, to never ever give up on us, no matter how difficult things get and I promise to love you with every beat of my heart.

And all I ask of you is this, open your heart again, let me in, let me love you and help you heal.

Sleep now, here in my lap, sleep like a baby, soft, quiet breaths and thoughts untroubled, knowing I’m here now and I’m here to stay.

23328000 seconds of you

Mi Amor,

Four months into being us, one cloudy Sunday morning I woke up to you, wrapped in your arms and I realized that I was completely, utterly and unconditionally in love with you. The breeze was cool, the sky was downcast and it was quiet all around, and for the first time in my life, absolute contentedness filled my heart and brought tears to my eyes. There I was, in the arms of a man who always made sure I went to sleep happy, who always made efforts to meet me and talk to me as often as he could, and who was patient and understanding. You woke up and you kissed me on my forehead and in that moment, I finally understood what absolute, sheer bliss felt like.

Five months into being us, we had our first big fight and it felt like I was crashing and my world was falling apart. Two hours later, you were at my doorstep with my favourite flowers in your hand and tear stricken eyes and it broke my heart, it didn’t matter what the stupid fight had been about, all that mattered was you were here now and everything was going to be okay. I wrapped you in my arms and covered you in kisses and in that moment I swore to myself I’d never let a single tear escape your eyes again because of me.

Six months into being us, we celebrated with pizza, red wine and a chick-flick you graciously let me pick. You gifted me a bracelet with popcorn and motorbike charms (our first date. It touched my heart and it was the most thoughtful little gift), we reminisced and laughed about how drenched we got in the rain on the ride back when you were dropping me to my place after our very first date. I told you that wouldn’t have had it any other way and days that followed have been the very best of my life. That night we made love for the very first time and when you whispered, I love you, baby girl, you have my heart, I wept with pure joy and I promised myself to never let you go, to fight to keep you happy every single day, and to always, always be there for you.

Today marks nine months of us. And every day I thank my stars for having led me to you. You, with your strong arms, the tight hugs you give me to make my bad days brighter and good days even better. You, with your warm brown eyes, how you look deep into my eyes and tell me every day that you love me. You, with your kind smile, how you always say all the right things to make me feel good whether or not I’m feeling low. You, with your charm and quick wit, how you make me double up laughing.

You taught me that home can be a loving heart, you taught me to appreciate the little things in life and most importantly, you taught me to fall impossibly, desperately and insanely in love.

I found love when I found you, I got fucking lucky. And boy, am I glad.

Smushball

Hey.

For my sake and for the sake of our relationship, I hope you are someone who reads. The words I type have always conveyed my feelings better than anything else. I think about you often, mostly because I’m terrified you aren’t real or I will never find you.

You are the man I will eventually fall in love with.

I’ve had rocky relationships. Imagine that, I’m only 19, turning 20 in a few weeks and I’ve already had my heart broken brutally, broken some kind hearts and I’ve never had stable relationships. But then again I’m only 19 turning 20, so there is, I hope, much time left to be in one.

Currently I’m submerging myself with things to do because I’m working on myself. I’ve lived a comfortable life and I want to continue to do the same without depending on my parents anymore. I want to be 100% financially independent by the time I’m 21, you see. And I hope this spirit of mine continues till and after I meet you. I am materialistic and I want to build a name for myself and be successful, for now. It is the summer of ’17 and I’m doing two internships and building contacts and trying to do photoshoots. And learning lightroom.

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Pep Talk

You’ve made a complete and total mess of your life so far, and I’m glad you’re finally waking up and seeing the light. Thank you for finally realizing that it is time to fix things.

You’ve been blessed with a combination of your insanely smart parents’ brain and we both know that hands down you are the smartest person among your peers. USE IT. I know studying last minute and still managing to score gives you a kick, but enough. It is an utter waste of your potential and watching Parks and Rec all day before the exam is the most useless, non-productive activity I can think of at this point. Study. Because you can. And a 4 point CGPA is achievable. WORK FOR IT.

Stop running behind true love and stupid boys. Like honestly, aren’t your 35678 failed relationships a testament to this little idea that maybe now just isn’t the time? Also we both know you hate stupid boys who waste away their time smoking pot/doing drugs/other intoxicants and have zero focus on their future, so why are you even bothering with them? Flash forward to 6 years from now, when you’ll finally have peers who are equally motivated to live the good life like you are. And then maybe you’ll find someone who’s just like you and just perfect for you – positive, successful and kind.

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