Happy Birthday, Joy

 

And when we meet, hold me tight and close like you’ll never let go. And I’ll melt in the warmth of your embrace. You’re my safe haven.

And when we meet, look deep into my eyes; they say I’m hard to read but I’ll tell you a secret, my eyes can’t hide a single thing. Look deep into my eyes and you’ll read my soul.

And when we meet, I’ll touch your face, trace the outline of your jaw, run my finger down your neck, over your collarbones. I have craved this moment for months. I have craved the feel of your skin.

And when we meet, you’ll finally see the blush you always feel over far too many telephone conversations; kiss my cheeks then and watch the shyest, happiest smile spread across my face, this smile’s going to stay.

And when we meet, there will be such unfamiliar familiarity. Of souls that have gotten close over time lacking just the blessing that is physical touch.

And when we meet, you’ll see my walls come down and my heart open up again. Distance will no longer serve as an excuse. Love will consume me.

Pep Talk

The past does not matter.

It does not matter how much you’ve fucked shit up, how many people you’ve hurt, how many people hurt you, how many regrets you have. Today is a new day. Today you could make amends. Today you move on.

Today is a chance. Use it wisely.

If there’s someone you’ve hurt and if it pricks your conscience, pick that phone up, dial up their number, apologize/explain/appease, do whatever it takes to make peace once again in your heart.

If you’ve been hurt by someone at some point and you can’t stop thinking about it, ask yourself this, is it worth it? Putting yourself through pain for someone else’s fuck up?  It’s done, you’re here now, you can start afresh. Heartbreak isn’t forever. Let it go. People come and go. Some stay, some don’t. The ones who do, care about you. Focus on them.

Happiness is the only one thing worth fighting for. So fight for whatever makes you happy. Success, fame, fitness, money, whatever it may be. Take one step towards it today. Set goals. Make a plan. Remember this, in the end, when it all works out, you’re going to appreciate every sweat you broke in your efforts to achieve it.

You will find love. Believe this. But first learn to love yourself. You cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t do it yourself. Look in the mirror, say I love myself three times, yell if you can. Do this everyday. Start now. Your perceived physical flaws will nag at you. You’re short. You have acne. You’re skinny. You’re pale. You’re fat. You’re dark. Your nose is too round. Your lips are too thin. Too much, too little. Silence them. Ask yourself one question, am I the best version of myself that I can be? Everything comes down to what your answer is. If you think you are, that’s it. Someday soon someone will come along who’ll fall head over heels in love with everything you are, or someone who’s already a part of your life will learn to appreciate the beautiful, absolutely unique combination of atoms, molecules and thoughts that you are. If you think there’s room for improvement, work on yourself. Work out. Run. Stretch. Cleanse. Take care of your skin. Get a spa done. Pamper yourself. Get a pedicure, a manicure, a haircut, whatever brings you closer to the best version of yourself. I personally believe being the best physical version of yourself naturally makes you confident, self-assured and optimistic.

That pretty much covers it but here are some totally random things I really think could help anyone at any point to feel better.

When things chaotic, block the world out, plug in your headphones, blast some good music. Always have a happy, pumped up playlist. If you’re an artist, even better. Splash colours, whip out a paintbrush, create your own abstract masterpiece, swish swash. Dance. Read the Dork trilogy by Sidin Vadakut (fucking epic books, hilarious as fuck). Go to a fancy ass cafe, order fancy ass food, devour that shit. Get that tattoo/piercing/both you’ve been putting off for ages. Wine. Is there any bad day, good wine can’t fix? Get hold of your friends, get a girls night out/ boys night out going. Long drives, baby. Get drunk, get stoned, trip balls. Scream. Run. Redecorate your room. Paint a wall. Bake a cake. Create an illustration. Watch a DIY video and make something. Write a letter to your best friend. Write a letter to future you. Bicycle ride. Um, burger and fries y’all. Yoga. Attempt a split. Make a new Pinterest board. Get your ass on Tinder, swipe swipe swipe. Memes memes memes. Click a self portrait, edit the shit out of it on Lightroom. Eat sweet green grapes (honestly the best froot ever) Solve Sudoku. Sing along to your favorite song. Call up an old friend. Order takeout. Get a tub of Mississippi Mud. Watch a corny chickflick. Do anything and everything could possibly make you happy.

You deserve to be happy always!

23328000 seconds of you

Mi Amor,

Four months into being us, one cloudy Sunday morning I woke up to you, wrapped in your arms and I realized that I was completely, utterly and unconditionally in love with you. The breeze was cool, the sky was downcast and it was quiet all around, and for the first time in my life, absolute contentedness filled my heart and brought tears to my eyes. There I was, in the arms of a man who always made sure I went to sleep happy, who always made efforts to meet me and talk to me as often as he could, and who was patient and understanding. You woke up and you kissed me on my forehead and in that moment, I finally understood what absolute, sheer bliss felt like.

Five months into being us, we had our first big fight and it felt like I was crashing and my world was falling apart. Two hours later, you were at my doorstep with my favourite flowers in your hand and tear stricken eyes and it broke my heart, it didn’t matter what the stupid fight had been about, all that mattered was you were here now and everything was going to be okay. I wrapped you in my arms and covered you in kisses and in that moment I swore to myself I’d never let a single tear escape your eyes again because of me.

Six months into being us, we celebrated with pizza, red wine and a chick-flick you graciously let me pick. You gifted me a bracelet with popcorn and motorbike charms (our first date. It touched my heart and it was the most thoughtful little gift), we reminisced and laughed about how drenched we got in the rain on the ride back when you were dropping me to my place after our very first date. I told you that wouldn’t have had it any other way and days that followed have been the very best of my life. That night we made love for the very first time and when you whispered, I love you, baby girl, you have my heart, I wept with pure joy and I promised myself to never let you go, to fight to keep you happy every single day, and to always, always be there for you.

Today marks nine months of us. And every day I thank my stars for having led me to you. You, with your strong arms, the tight hugs you give me to make my bad days brighter and good days even better. You, with your warm brown eyes, how you look deep into my eyes and tell me every day that you love me. You, with your kind smile, how you always say all the right things to make me feel good whether or not I’m feeling low. You, with your charm and quick wit, how you make me double up laughing.

You taught me that home can be a loving heart, you taught me to appreciate the little things in life and most importantly, you taught me to fall impossibly, desperately and insanely in love.

I found love when I found you, I got fucking lucky. And boy, am I glad.

How to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Long read (4-7 mins)

Until August 2015 when I was diagnosed, I didn’t know anything about personality disorders, forget BPD. But with a break-up gone horribly wrong and my coping mechanisms turning extremely unhealthy I knew something was amiss. I was so utterly lost and desperate to escape pain altogether. That’s how I first started therapy.

I’ll tell you a little about this particular personality disorder. The classic symptoms are extreme mood swings, a history of unstable relationships, uncertainty when it comes to sense of self. They’re terrified of abandonment and will do anything at all to preserve a relationship. Hence there is always a lack of self-esteem, they placate, accommodate and apologize at the slightest hint of what is perceived by them as rejection or possible abandonment, to maintain the emotional connection. As a result, they are often taken advantage of and dominated which just further damages whatever remains of their self-esteem and increases their insecurities.

Continue reading How to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Smushball

Hey.

For my sake and for the sake of our relationship, I hope you are someone who reads. The words I type have always conveyed my feelings better than anything else. I think about you often, mostly because I’m terrified you aren’t real or I will never find you.

You are the man I will eventually fall in love with.

I’ve had rocky relationships. Imagine that, I’m only 19, turning 20 in a few weeks and I’ve already had my heart broken brutally, broken some kind hearts and I’ve never had stable relationships. But then again I’m only 19 turning 20, so there is, I hope, much time left to be in one.

Currently I’m submerging myself with things to do because I’m working on myself. I’ve lived a comfortable life and I want to continue to do the same without depending on my parents anymore. I want to be 100% financially independent by the time I’m 21, you see. And I hope this spirit of mine continues till and after I meet you. I am materialistic and I want to build a name for myself and be successful, for now. It is the summer of ’17 and I’m doing two internships and building contacts and trying to do photoshoots. And learning lightroom.

Continue reading Smushball

Pep Talk

You’ve made a complete and total mess of your life so far, and I’m glad you’re finally waking up and seeing the light. Thank you for finally realizing that it is time to fix things.

You’ve been blessed with a combination of your insanely smart parents’ brain and we both know that hands down you are the smartest person among your peers. USE IT. I know studying last minute and still managing to score gives you a kick, but enough. It is an utter waste of your potential and watching Parks and Rec all day before the exam is the most useless, non-productive activity I can think of at this point. Study. Because you can. And a 4 point CGPA is achievable. WORK FOR IT.

Stop running behind true love and stupid boys. Like honestly, aren’t your 35678 failed relationships a testament to this little idea that maybe now just isn’t the time? Also we both know you hate stupid boys who waste away their time smoking pot/doing drugs/other intoxicants and have zero focus on their future, so why are you even bothering with them? Flash forward to 6 years from now, when you’ll finally have peers who are equally motivated to live the good life like you are. And then maybe you’ll find someone who’s just like you and just perfect for you – positive, successful and kind.

Continue reading Pep Talk

Hello, happiness

Maybe you were just looking in all the wrong places.
Maybe you forgot about finding happiness in the small things.
Maybe you forgot how blissfully calming that first sip of tea in the chilly mornings could be. Or how perfectly cozy you felt curled up and sleepy under your soft, warm quilt. Or the smell of old books, new books, books. Or your dog’s happy eyes when you come back home, having missed you terribly all day long. Your cat snuggling in your lap and falling asleep, a perfect fit there; soft happy purrs comforting your soul. Your mom’s cooking, a whiff you catch on your way past the kitchen. Your mom’s smile. Your dad’s rare, hearty laugh.
The excitement waiting for the pizza delivery man and that rush in your happy heart when the doorbell finally rings. Long telephone conversations with your long time best friend who’s miles away, the joy in telling her every little detail about the changes in your life. A new crush, hours spent stalking his facebook, that guilty pleasure at secretly storing all his best pictures. Candid pictures capturing genuine, heartfelt smiles. Old photographs. Walking by the tall bookshelves in an old library that has forever, its romantic charm. Walks under the moonlit sky in your favorite sweater, rubbing your palms to keep your cold fingers warm. Star watching. Star watching with a friend. In person or over the phone. The smell of the earth that follows the first rains. Dew falling off young, green leaves. Waking up to the sunrise. Falling asleep to soft music. The feel of coffee beans. Reading old, happy conversations. Pampering yourself, indulging in yourself, splurging on yourself. Brunch with your best friends. That perfect steak with that perfect barbeque sauce. That genuine, elated smile on your friend’s face on opening a carefully, thoughtfully planned birthday gift. Finding good new music. Finding an old favorite song. Finding an old birthday gift that you’d kept away in a secret place to come across later. Old journals. Writing with fountain pens on handmade paper, that beautiful light spread of royal blue ink. New, pretty  notebooks you vow to write all your wild thoughts and record all your favorite new memories in.
Creating memories. Travelling to a new place that excites you and your every sense. Taking risks, the exhilaration that accompanies it. Realizing how absolutely lucky and fortunate you are for just being alive and healthy.
And you thought being happy is difficult.