The Day I Decided I’m Fabulous, My Life Got a Whole Lot Better

The ages 16 and 17 were tough on me and during this period I developed severe anxiety and horrible insecurities about the way I look and I think they stayed with me pretty much till around 6 months back when I got out of what I hadn’t realized was an extremely toxic relationship.

My life since then has been abso-fucking-lutely fabulous (if you’re catching all the SATC references, good job)

I guess it really is true when people say your thoughts have the power to attract things into your life because these days it appears fab parties, great friends, good times and hot men are just magically finding their way into my life. I also feel ultra confident in my own skin and I genuinely feel sexy in everything I wear.

My dear friend S in fact commented the other day, ‘It’s difficult to be sad around you, you’re so fucking happy’ and I swear that’s by far the best compliment I have ever received. I think I’d always like to be remembered as the person you absolutely cannot be unhappy around.

Of course I wasn’t always like this and I must honestly admit I still have some terrible days too (mostly PMS) when I just don’t feel fabulous or motivated to achieve greatness. But you see then again, here’s something you’ve heard a million times in your life and never believed,

happiness is a choice

It’s that easy. Just choose to think positive thoughts, watch a positive show, listen to some positive happy music, just literally force yourself to happy.

People tell me, it’s not that easy. Well, I don’t know about them, but it works perfectly fine for me.

Here’s what I do when I’m upset. I get myself a packet of chips. Nay, not Lays. Just that good old packet of potato chips you get from these local bakeries/cig shops at like every corner in town for 15 bucks. Of course it’s not healthy, it’s all pure carbs and my diet goes to shit but it tastes good and it’s my happy food.

I watch videos of cats, chiropractic adjustment compilations and my favourite body builders. Depends on my mood really. If I want to laugh, the cats always do their charm. Chiropractic adjustments always relax me. And bodybuilders are fucking hot and their dedication gets me all pumped up, like FUCK YES, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE, I’M GOING TO DO SOME SQUATS NOW.

I binge watch SATC or Parks and Rec or Modern Family or just the Dothraki bits of GOT season 1 (Drogo, you beast of a man, I love you)

I write corny shit. Works like a charm every time. I’m a sucker for love and I literally could sit for hours dreaming about my fantastic imaginary relationship with whoever I’ve a crush on at the time. Writing just makes it feel a whole lot more real and I love it. (I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, yes every single love/relationship piece I’ve written is fiction but ahahaha not for long, my one big love is coming)

I clean my room. Super relaxing. Super satisfying.

I update my calendar. Put little to-do’s and goals all through the month. I fucking love staying organized, it makes me feel very hmm, productive. Daz right. Sure some months I don’t really meet all my goals but that’s okay to make a plan is the first step and I know that maybe I’ll delay it but I’ll do it all at some point.

HUSTLE. HUSTLE. HUSTLE.

Some days I actually open my calendar and catch up on the stuff I’ve been putting off for fucking forever and it’s the most satisfying feeling. That reminds me, I need to seriously make some lifestyle posts for this blog.

I splurge. Would I regret it later at the end of the month when I’m broke and wishing I’d saved some cash? Probably. Am I going to worry about that and let it stop me now? AW HELL NO.

I join tinder. I barely stay for a day each time I do but somehow my tinder’s always been lucky and I always score some hot men and have some great conversations and go on some great dates. My male friends tell me this never happens and getting matches is rare so I guess it’s just us ladies who get lucky always on this wonderful app so oh well, works for me. I haven’t really been on tinder for ages now because life’s been pretty happening but I know when it starts to get boring, I trust dear tinder to spice it up.

I do self-care-pamper-sess. Skin care, exercise, stretch, waxing, drink some three liters of water, really just anything that makes me feel like I’m taking care of my body and pampering myself. (I recommend getting a foot reflexology done if you’re willing to shell out a few hundred bucks. It’s pretty fucking amazing and worth the cash spent) Skin care is pretty much an every day affair really, though and if you really know me you’d know I give serious importance to my naturally good, blessed skin and take immense care to ensure I never get acne. (water, really, it’s the secret)

Here’s what I never do when I’m upset. Drink. It always only makes it all worse for me because in all my experience alcohol has always acted as a downer for me unless in a club, where it tends to make me incredibly hyper and dance like a madwoman. Then again, I’m quitting alcohol y’all so one drink, max two, that’s it, no more. And you know what, almost sober partying isn’t so bad. I’m starting to really like it. The other night I went to this fancy ass hotel for a party and literally just had one beer and it didn’t hit me at all but it really didn’t matter. I had great company, the DJ played some bomb music, Imet an incredibly hot guy and I danced my heart out. What a fun night.

Of course life is not always so much fun and really the only thing that really gets me down is the fact that I’ve been single for too long now and I’m honestly yet to experience a relationship that goes beyond four months so you know, it gets lonely. But then again, I know exactly how wonderful I am. I’ve a big heart, a wonderful personality, a great body, ambitions and I’m fabulous. So you see, I refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve and they say good things come to those who wait and I know exactly what I want (read – a very specific type when it comes to men, heh) so I guess I’ll just wait it out.

And where has all my positivity gotten me? Oh well today I’m a confident, fiercely self-assured, happy person (on 6 days out of 7 since I invariably always have one low day I always have to fix) and I love my life.

You see, in my opinion, it all comes down to what you believe. I’m fabulous because I believe I’m fabulous. And you could be too, you just have to believe it.

xx

Solace

I’m trembling.

He holds me in his arms.

I’m shaking, my mind is exploding with emotions I cannot contain.

I’m a mess, a broken mess but right now in his arms I’m starting to feel safe again.

Please don’t let go.

There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

Suddenly it doesn’t matter how my past is looming over my heart like a dark cloud preparing to come down as pouring rain and leave me drenched, it doesn’t matter how I detest the way I look, the million issues I have with my body, it doesn’t matter how I think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. My inadequacies are reducing to a blur.

Because suddenly all that matters is the solace the rhythm of his steady heartbeat offers, and his strong arms enveloping me entirely, cocooning me in his warmth.

Hush, baby girl. I’m here now. 

You’ve spent your entire life trying to heal broken people and fix broken things and you’ve ignored how much of damage that has inflicted on you for far too long. You put aside the fact that you were left broken too, in the process. Now let me help you fix yourself, help you heal all of your broken pieces. 

Kaya, he pauses.

I love you. 

I love you, Kaya. I love you with every fiber of my being. And I knew I was in love when I first saw you walking up to me your wild hair flying free in the wind, your stride poised and confident. You were so stunningly beautiful, in your own wild, bohemian way. 

I knew I was in love when you waved and flashed that bright smile and I knew in my heart I’d never get enough of it, and all I ever wanted was to make sure that smile would never leave your lips. 

And I realize now how much I love you when I feel your heart breaking and I discern, so is my own. 

Kaya, beautiful Kaya, I love you, baby girl. I’m here now and I promise to stay. I need you to smile again.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me in even closer. Never have I ever been hugged so tight.

My heart melts.

I’d managed to fight back tears until now but no longer can I hold them in.

They roll down my cheek. These aren’t tears of sorrow, they are those of profound joy.

I sit up and put my arms around his neck and I whisper in his ears, I love you too. My voice chokes.

There is so much I wish to say,  so much I need to express. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. For the first time in my life, my words will have to wait.

For now I’m going to stay wrapped in his arms, savour this silence and cherish every little thing about this moment. It is so absolutely imperfectly perfect, it makes me smile.

Lord, I’m in love, so unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly in love. And for the first time, I feel just as unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly loved.

Vow

You close your eyes and look away. You’re fighting back tears and it absolutely crushes me. It breaks my heart, you have a past so troubled. And it breaks my heart because you, my love, you deserved none of it.

A single tear rolls down.

No love, hush, you’re okay now. You’re in my arms and you’re safe. I’m going to hold you close and tight for as long as you want me to. I’ll rock you softly, wrap you in my warmth. I kiss your forehead.

I love you. I whisper and I feel your arms tighten around me.

But how could you ever believe me after being let down far too many times by those who whispered the same.

You’re terrified. You’re terrified you’ll let me in and I’ll leave you too.

But no, love. Open your heart, just one more time.

My heart brims with love, let it wash over you. I’ll love you until it surprises you and shocks you how happy you are; you’ve known pain and sorrow for too long, now let me show you pure, sheer joy. The past will soon seem like a mere blur.

I vow to fight for you, to fight to make us work, to fill your life with a ton of fond, happy new memories and experiences. I vow to always be your sunshine, to always ask about your day and to kiss you good night and good morning. I vow to never ever let you go to sleep upset. I vow to hug you and hold you close every chance I get. I promise to give you your space, never interfere with your boys’ night plans and game nights. But most importantly, I vow, love, to never ever give up on us, no matter how difficult things get and I promise to love you with every beat of my heart.

And all I ask of you is this, open your heart again, let me in, let me love you and help you heal.

Sleep now, here in my lap, sleep like a baby, soft, quiet breaths and thoughts untroubled, knowing I’m here now and I’m here to stay.

Happy Birthday, Joy

 

And when we meet, hold me tight and close like you’ll never let go. And I’ll melt in the warmth of your embrace. You’re my safe haven.

And when we meet, look deep into my eyes; they say I’m hard to read but I’ll tell you a secret, my eyes can’t hide a single thing. Look deep into my eyes and you’ll read my soul.

And when we meet, I’ll touch your face, trace the outline of your jaw, run my finger down your neck, over your collarbones. I have craved this moment for months. I have craved the feel of your skin.

And when we meet, you’ll finally see the blush you always feel over far too many telephone conversations; kiss my cheeks then and watch the shyest, happiest smile spread across my face, this smile’s going to stay.

And when we meet, there will be such unfamiliar familiarity. Of souls that have gotten close over time lacking just the blessing that is physical touch.

And when we meet, you’ll see my walls come down and my heart open up again. Distance will no longer serve as an excuse. Love will consume me.

Pep Talk

The past does not matter.

It does not matter how much you’ve fucked shit up, how many people you’ve hurt, how many people hurt you, how many regrets you have. Today is a new day. Today you could make amends. Today you move on.

Today is a chance. Use it wisely.

If there’s someone you’ve hurt and if it pricks your conscience, pick that phone up, dial up their number, apologize/explain/appease, do whatever it takes to make peace once again in your heart.

If you’ve been hurt by someone at some point and you can’t stop thinking about it, ask yourself this, is it worth it? Putting yourself through pain for someone else’s fuck up?  It’s done, you’re here now, you can start afresh. Heartbreak isn’t forever. Let it go. People come and go. Some stay, some don’t. The ones who do, care about you. Focus on them.

Happiness is the only one thing worth fighting for. So fight for whatever makes you happy. Success, fame, fitness, money, whatever it may be. Take one step towards it today. Set goals. Make a plan. Remember this, in the end, when it all works out, you’re going to appreciate every sweat you broke in your efforts to achieve it.

You will find love. Believe this. But first learn to love yourself. You cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t do it yourself. Look in the mirror, say I love myself three times, yell if you can. Do this everyday. Start now. Your perceived physical flaws will nag at you. You’re short. You have acne. You’re skinny. You’re pale. You’re fat. You’re dark. Your nose is too round. Your lips are too thin. Too much, too little. Silence them. Ask yourself one question, am I the best version of myself that I can be? Everything comes down to what your answer is. If you think you are, that’s it. Someday soon someone will come along who’ll fall head over heels in love with everything you are, or someone who’s already a part of your life will learn to appreciate the beautiful, absolutely unique combination of atoms, molecules and thoughts that you are. If you think there’s room for improvement, work on yourself. Work out. Run. Stretch. Cleanse. Take care of your skin. Get a spa done. Pamper yourself. Get a pedicure, a manicure, a haircut, whatever brings you closer to the best version of yourself. I personally believe being the best physical version of yourself naturally makes you confident, self-assured and optimistic.

That pretty much covers it but here are some totally random things I really think could help anyone at any point to feel better.

When things chaotic, block the world out, plug in your headphones, blast some good music. Always have a happy, pumped up playlist. If you’re an artist, even better. Splash colours, whip out a paintbrush, create your own abstract masterpiece, swish swash. Dance. Read the Dork trilogy by Sidin Vadakut (fucking epic books, hilarious as fuck). Go to a fancy ass cafe, order fancy ass food, devour that shit. Get that tattoo/piercing/both you’ve been putting off for ages. Wine. Is there any bad day, good wine can’t fix? Get hold of your friends, get a girls night out/ boys night out going. Long drives, baby. Get drunk, get stoned, trip balls. Scream. Run. Redecorate your room. Paint a wall. Bake a cake. Create an illustration. Watch a DIY video and make something. Write a letter to your best friend. Write a letter to future you. Bicycle ride. Um, burger and fries y’all. Yoga. Attempt a split. Make a new Pinterest board. Get your ass on Tinder, swipe swipe swipe. Memes memes memes. Click a self portrait, edit the shit out of it on Lightroom. Eat sweet green grapes (honestly the best froot ever) Solve Sudoku. Sing along to your favorite song. Call up an old friend. Order takeout. Get a tub of Mississippi Mud. Watch a corny chickflick. Do anything and everything could possibly make you happy.

You deserve to be happy always!

23328000 seconds of you

Mi Amor,

Four months into being us, one cloudy Sunday morning I woke up to you, wrapped in your arms and I realized that I was completely, utterly and unconditionally in love with you. The breeze was cool, the sky was downcast and it was quiet all around, and for the first time in my life, absolute contentedness filled my heart and brought tears to my eyes. There I was, in the arms of a man who always made sure I went to sleep happy, who always made efforts to meet me and talk to me as often as he could, and who was patient and understanding. You woke up and you kissed me on my forehead and in that moment, I finally understood what absolute, sheer bliss felt like.

Five months into being us, we had our first big fight and it felt like I was crashing and my world was falling apart. Two hours later, you were at my doorstep with my favourite flowers in your hand and tear stricken eyes and it broke my heart, it didn’t matter what the stupid fight had been about, all that mattered was you were here now and everything was going to be okay. I wrapped you in my arms and covered you in kisses and in that moment I swore to myself I’d never let a single tear escape your eyes again because of me.

Six months into being us, we celebrated with pizza, red wine and a chick-flick you graciously let me pick. You gifted me a bracelet with popcorn and motorbike charms (our first date. It touched my heart and it was the most thoughtful little gift), we reminisced and laughed about how drenched we got in the rain on the ride back when you were dropping me to my place after our very first date. I told you that wouldn’t have had it any other way and days that followed have been the very best of my life. That night we made love for the very first time and when you whispered, I love you, baby girl, you have my heart, I wept with pure joy and I promised myself to never let you go, to fight to keep you happy every single day, and to always, always be there for you.

Today marks nine months of us. And every day I thank my stars for having led me to you. You, with your strong arms, the tight hugs you give me to make my bad days brighter and good days even better. You, with your warm brown eyes, how you look deep into my eyes and tell me every day that you love me. You, with your kind smile, how you always say all the right things to make me feel good whether or not I’m feeling low. You, with your charm and quick wit, how you make me double up laughing.

You taught me that home can be a loving heart, you taught me to appreciate the little things in life and most importantly, you taught me to fall impossibly, desperately and insanely in love.

I found love when I found you, I got fucking lucky. And boy, am I glad.

How to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Long read (4-7 mins)

Until August 2015 when I was diagnosed, I didn’t know anything about personality disorders, forget BPD. But with a break-up gone horribly wrong and my coping mechanisms turning extremely unhealthy I knew something was amiss. I was so utterly lost and desperate to escape pain altogether. That’s how I first started therapy.

I’ll tell you a little about this particular personality disorder. The classic symptoms are extreme mood swings, a history of unstable relationships, uncertainty when it comes to sense of self. They’re terrified of abandonment and will do anything at all to preserve a relationship. Hence there is always a lack of self-esteem, they placate, accommodate and apologize at the slightest hint of what is perceived by them as rejection or possible abandonment, to maintain the emotional connection. As a result, they are often taken advantage of and dominated which just further damages whatever remains of their self-esteem and increases their insecurities.

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