Solace

I’m trembling.

He holds me in his arms.

I’m shaking, my mind is exploding with emotions I cannot contain.

I’m a mess, a broken mess but right now in his arms I’m starting to feel safe again.

Please don’t let go.

There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

Suddenly it doesn’t matter how my past is looming over my heart like a dark cloud preparing to come down as pouring rain and leave me drenched, it doesn’t matter how I detest the way I look, the million issues I have with my body, it doesn’t matter how I think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. My inadequacies are reducing to a blur.

Because suddenly all that matters is the solace the rhythm of his steady heartbeat offers, and his strong arms enveloping me entirely, cocooning me in his warmth.

Hush, baby girl. I’m here now. 

You’ve spent your entire life trying to heal broken people and fix broken things and you’ve ignored how much of damage that has inflicted on you for far too long. You put aside the fact that you were left broken too, in the process. Now let me help you fix yourself, help you heal all of your broken pieces. 

Kaya, he pauses.

I love you. 

I love you, Kaya. I love you with every fiber of my being. And I knew I was in love when I first saw you walking up to me your wild hair flying free in the wind, your stride poised and confident. You were so stunningly beautiful, in your own wild, bohemian way. 

I knew I was in love when you waved and flashed that bright smile and I knew in my heart I’d never get enough of it, and all I ever wanted was to make sure that smile would never leave your lips. 

And I realize now how much I love you when I feel your heart breaking and I discern, so is my own. 

Kaya, beautiful Kaya, I love you, baby girl. I’m here now and I promise to stay. I need you to smile again.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me in even closer. Never have I ever been hugged so tight.

My heart melts.

I’d managed to fight back tears until now but no longer can I hold them in.

They roll down my cheek. These aren’t tears of sorrow, they are those of profound joy.

I sit up and put my arms around his neck and I whisper in his ears, I love you too. My voice chokes.

There is so much I wish to say,  so much I need to express. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. For the first time in my life, my words will have to wait.

For now I’m going to stay wrapped in his arms, savour this silence and cherish every little thing about this moment. It is so absolutely imperfectly perfect, it makes me smile.

Lord, I’m in love, so unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly in love. And for the first time, I feel just as unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly loved.

Regret, pretty boy

Somedays, I am filled with uncontrollable rage. Words pour, trying their hardest to escape my seething mind’s piercing clutch but they cannot. My head pounds, ink bleeds and spills over fresh white crisp paper.

You’ve taken her loyalty for granted.

You use her, lie to her, tell her she’s the only one in your life.

Whisper sweet nothings.

She is a naïve fool. Gullible. Believes every lie that comes out of your filthy mouth. But are you guilt ridden? Just the slightest bit? No.

Somewhere along the way, through your confusing pubescent years maybe, you had your heart brutally broken, something you never really recovered from. You promised yourself you’d never let yourself be that vulnerable again. Now all you do is break hearts. You’ve locked up your emotions, tucked them away safely at the farthest, darkest corners of your heart and you are stone cold.

You’re always on the back of her mind, throughout her day. She wonders how you are doing and if you’re having a good day.

Ay, but you, you think of her once, maybe just maybe twice a day. She’s a good stress-buster, a boost to your inflated ego. An object of your lust.

Sickening.

You have no conscience to prick you and keep you awake at nights, knowing fully well each time you lie through your teeth, I love you, she takes you seriously. It does not matter that she loves you with every beat of her heart. She is a fool, she puts you on a pedestal. It works for you.

Revolting. My stomach churns.

There’s always a crusty transition. From the endless calls you had to make and corny texts you had to send to a half-ass reply to the ten consecutive texts she’d send and ultimately ignoring all her calls. You tell her you’re busy and ask her to not disturb you so much. It hurts her but she’s under the illusion you’re doing productive things with your useless life and wants to be supportive. She feels like a disturbance and she hates it. It makes her insecure. But things are suddenly uncomfortable and she doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore. Everything’s changed so quickly.

She craves your attention but you’re done with her. While she goes on believing you’re working harder, you’ve found another pretty face to prey on.

Now she’s a liability, a headache.

You break her with sharp words and insults. You raise your voice. You ignore her completely.

Loathsome.

And then one day, she opens her eyes and sees the light. She is shattered and it hurts like her heart is slowly ripping apart. Days pass, nights spent wailing, hating herself, crying herself to sleep. How could she have been so blind. Until one night when she doesn’t shed a single tear. She is starting to move on.

Weeks pass, maybe a month.

It is unfortunate, but there is something deeply wrong with you. You cannot handle that. You see that she’s healing and you need to know you still have power over her. Your ego needs a consolation that you are her weakness and she will always need you.

You go back to her, loaded with empty promises and acknowledgement of a mistake you have made. But you don’t mean a single thing. You just need her back, at any cost.

She is at the edge of forgiving you, you sick piece of shit. But I’ll tell you what’s different now. She has good friends, something you will never have. Her friends have seen the absolute torture you’ve put her through and they will not stand letting her go through it again. They knock sense into her, remind her of what she truly deserves. She trusts them. They’ve been with her and helped her through her darkest days.

It’s over. She slams the door in your face.

What a bitch, is your first thought. Of course you’ll not let yourself get soft. You’re already trying to find another good heart to prey on.

Months pass, she mends her shattered heart.

It is after that, after several months, maybe years that it truly hits you, how empty your life is. There is a void in your heart. You crave real affection. You have no friends, they grew sick of your games. You are growing sick of your games. You crave real affection but you’ve lost everyone who has ever cared about you.

You’re all alone and you have nobody to love you.

You text her. You’re lonely and you’re starting to remember.

You see, she was your biggest prize, the only one who stuck around until the very end, until it was just not possible to hold on.

You remember how she spent every waking moment doing things to make you happy, to brighten your bad days, how she’d curl up into a ball in your arms when she’d get cute, how she’d cover your face in kisses after a long day. You see, in your heart, you always knew it was highly unlikely anyone could ever love stone cold bastard like you any more than her. It shocked you how deep her affection for you was. But you were too much into games, too busy trying to appease your ego and her intensity terrified you.

You miss it now.

You miss everything.

You miss her.

But she has long moved on.

Somewhere along the way, you see, she found a beautiful man who treats her like she deserves, like a queen. He helped her heal, grow stronger than ever and find love again.

You are now, but a mere fading memory.

Regret, pretty boy. It stings, doesn’t it?

How to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Long read (4-7 mins)

Until August 2015 when I was diagnosed, I didn’t know anything about personality disorders, forget BPD. But with a break-up gone horribly wrong and my coping mechanisms turning extremely unhealthy I knew something was amiss. I was so utterly lost and desperate to escape pain altogether. That’s how I first started therapy.

I’ll tell you a little about this particular personality disorder. The classic symptoms are extreme mood swings, a history of unstable relationships, uncertainty when it comes to sense of self. They’re terrified of abandonment and will do anything at all to preserve a relationship. Hence there is always a lack of self-esteem, they placate, accommodate and apologize at the slightest hint of what is perceived by them as rejection or possible abandonment, to maintain the emotional connection. As a result, they are often taken advantage of and dominated which just further damages whatever remains of their self-esteem and increases their insecurities.

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