Type?

Hello, yesterday I got stood up (sort of?) and I had way too much time on my hands in between shopping and waiting for my sister to come pick me up to think (yet again) about why I’m still single and I guess I’ve come to the realization one of the possible reasons for the same could be that I stick to a type of men always.

I most certainly have a type. I like ambitious, focused men with big dreams, massive guns, cute butts, perfectly groomed beards, moderately high (umm) levels of arrogance (I’d want an equal, after all of course) and high intellect. Of course men like this are almost too good to be true or turn out to be absolute assholes. Or they busy hustlin’, and have no time to date. (why do i have so much time on my hands, i need to be doing more things goddammit)

But doesn’t every one have a type? One type of person you’re almost always easily drawn to?

So how does one develop a type anyway?

I believe mine has emerged from the first man I ever seriously dated (tall, hot, ambitious, arrogant, absolute asshole, the relationship pretty much went to shit in the end but ayyy, was I a happy clam while it lasted). It is beyond me why I still stick to this type despite it not having a happy ending for me. But I guess it gave me a few wonderful memories that I still fondly hold close to my heart. So I guess I’ve a type because it’s comfortable. I KNOW what it’d be like to date someone like that again (the happy part y’all, I’m no masochist) (or am I? Mm hmm, I’d have to ponder on this next).

Anywaaaaaaay, the point of the rant was for me to put my thoughts on paper and basically understand I’m being an idiot by sticking to a type. I guess, there’s not much I can compromise when it comes to intellect and ambition (because really I’m hella ambitious and I personally think I’m smart as hell, no Shireen stop laughing fuck you I’m smart, and yeah so basically I couldn’t ever relate to someone who is not like me) but physically, definitely. Not all men are gym freaks and really, I don’t understand my intense attraction to the type (when I myself no longer work out, highly hypocritical yes I know. SIGH) but I’m aware I’m missing out on a lot of men who simply have other priorities like work, uni, family or goals that just happen to take up most of their time (but not pot, definitely no compromise there, I’ll never seriously date a regular stoner nuh uh simply because I can’t enjoy it, and I’m yet to come across a high functioning person on pot and I find addicts to anything weak, and hello I need someone I’ll grow stronger with)

At the end of the day, am I going to want to go home to a good heart or a good body? Both seems ideal (heh) but really I guess at the end of the day I just want to be loved and have someone to lean on when things get tough and so good heart, it is.

But then again, I urge you to never settle for anything less than what you absolutely deserve, and I’m telling you, you deserve someone who’s head over heels in love with you, who makes you abso-fucking-lutely happy, who gives you butterflies every time you kiss, who makes you a priority and never has you insecure about your place in a relationship and who makes you want to be a better version of yourself every single day. Now that’s one type of partner I believe everyone should stick to.

Anna,

Happy birthday, sunshine

As long as I live, I will never forget how you came over and introduced yourself on the first day of eleventh grade with the warmest of smiles and I so clearly remember how we got close, you practically dragged me away from that random Commerce chick on the steps, and spent the rest of PE with me just talking for one hour straight. Then we started to sit together, and eventually, I found my best friend in you.

That’s you. My best friend. And everywhere I go, deep inside I know all I try to find is someone just like you. But that’s the thing, no one can be you. No one I’ve ever met in the twenty years of my existence is as fiercely loyal,  adorable and selflessly kind as you. No one I’ve ever met has a heart as big as yours.

And every day, I strive to be a warm, sunny person like you.

Life sucks sometimes, but I know I’ll never ever truly be alone. Because I’ll always have you and you’re just a phone call away. And a conversation with you has never failed to brighten me right up. I absolutely love how there’s never a dearth of things to talk about. That reminds me, I really have an insane amount of important news to tell you and god, I need to meet you soon. Kerala trip, coming up.

And thank you, for sticking around. And never giving up on me. And for forgiving me when I acted like a total selfish bitch (remember our first and last fight in twelfth grade? good lord, what the fuck was I doing) To this day, I do not know what I did to deserve you, but I’m eternally grateful to the universe for letting me find you.

You gave me my happiest memories in Trissur. Every day with you was an absolute joy. I’ve never been the kind to miss school, I was more than happy to get the fuck out of there, but if there’s one single thing I do miss, it’s sitting with you and just talking non-stop, laughing like a lunatic at the stories you’d tell me (remember the little kid who was annoyed with sunlight in your school bus? It still makes me laugh when I think about it, jesus), reading those Health magazine sexology columns with you and Kiran in the library ahahahahah, ayyy. You see, the only parts of school life I miss, are the bits with you.

Good heavens, I sound gay.

Ay, but who cares. And I miss you terribly today. And I wish I could’ve been in town for your birthday, but I’m going to try and come in October and I shall bring your birthday gift along. But I’m glad you had a great birthday yesterday.

I think I’ll tell you the rest when I call you next.

I love you, baby girl. Always, always stay happy.

xx

Solace

I’m trembling.

He holds me in his arms.

I’m shaking, my mind is exploding with emotions I cannot contain.

I’m a mess, a broken mess but right now in his arms I’m starting to feel safe again.

Please don’t let go.

There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

Suddenly it doesn’t matter how my past is looming over my heart like a dark cloud preparing to come down as pouring rain and leave me drenched, it doesn’t matter how I detest the way I look, the million issues I have with my body, it doesn’t matter how I think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. My inadequacies are reducing to a blur.

Because suddenly all that matters is the solace the rhythm of his steady heartbeat offers, and his strong arms enveloping me entirely, cocooning me in his warmth.

Hush, baby girl. I’m here now. 

You’ve spent your entire life trying to heal broken people and fix broken things and you’ve ignored how much of damage that has inflicted on you for far too long. You put aside the fact that you were left broken too, in the process. Now let me help you fix yourself, help you heal all of your broken pieces. 

Kaya, he pauses.

I love you. 

I love you, Kaya. I love you with every fiber of my being. And I knew I was in love when I first saw you walking up to me your wild hair flying free in the wind, your stride poised and confident. You were so stunningly beautiful, in your own wild, bohemian way. 

I knew I was in love when you waved and flashed that bright smile and I knew in my heart I’d never get enough of it, and all I ever wanted was to make sure that smile would never leave your lips. 

And I realize now how much I love you when I feel your heart breaking and I discern, so is my own. 

Kaya, beautiful Kaya, I love you, baby girl. I’m here now and I promise to stay. I need you to smile again.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me in even closer. Never have I ever been hugged so tight.

My heart melts.

I’d managed to fight back tears until now but no longer can I hold them in.

They roll down my cheek. These aren’t tears of sorrow, they are those of profound joy.

I sit up and put my arms around his neck and I whisper in his ears, I love you too. My voice chokes.

There is so much I wish to say,  so much I need to express. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. For the first time in my life, my words will have to wait.

For now I’m going to stay wrapped in his arms, savour this silence and cherish every little thing about this moment. It is so absolutely imperfectly perfect, it makes me smile.

Lord, I’m in love, so unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly in love. And for the first time, I feel just as unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly loved.

Vow

You close your eyes and look away. You’re fighting back tears and it absolutely crushes me. It breaks my heart, you have a past so troubled. And it breaks my heart because you, my love, you deserved none of it.

A single tear rolls down.

No love, hush, you’re okay now. You’re in my arms and you’re safe. I’m going to hold you close and tight for as long as you want me to. I’ll rock you softly, wrap you in my warmth. I kiss your forehead.

I love you. I whisper and I feel your arms tighten around me.

But how could you ever believe me after being let down far too many times by those who whispered the same.

You’re terrified. You’re terrified you’ll let me in and I’ll leave you too.

But no, love. Open your heart, just one more time.

My heart brims with love, let it wash over you. I’ll love you until it surprises you and shocks you how happy you are; you’ve known pain and sorrow for too long, now let me show you pure, sheer joy. The past will soon seem like a mere blur.

I vow to fight for you, to fight to make us work, to fill your life with a ton of fond, happy new memories and experiences. I vow to always be your sunshine, to always ask about your day and to kiss you good night and good morning. I vow to never ever let you go to sleep upset. I vow to hug you and hold you close every chance I get. I promise to give you your space, never interfere with your boys’ night plans and game nights. But most importantly, I vow, love, to never ever give up on us, no matter how difficult things get and I promise to love you with every beat of my heart.

And all I ask of you is this, open your heart again, let me in, let me love you and help you heal.

Sleep now, here in my lap, sleep like a baby, soft, quiet breaths and thoughts untroubled, knowing I’m here now and I’m here to stay.

Animal

We’re finally alone and I can feel the animal in me unleash itself. I want to taste him, feel his skin, fuck like there’s no tomorrow. He’s made me wait a week and it has driven me insane with sheer need.

He’s sedentary on the bed and I put my legs around him, my lips are inches away from his and my fingers clutch at his hair. I can wait no longer. I close my eyes and his lips crush mine. He sucks on my lip, I taste him, and lord, he tastes good.

He unbuttons my shirt and I take off his t-shirt. I know he likes what he sees, I can see it in his eyes and with the quiet grunt that escapes him.

His lips trail lower and he leaves deep kisses at my neck, nibbles at it. I feel his teeth grazing, leaving soft bites at the hollow of my collarbones and it is driving me crazy with pure pleasure. My weakness. Soft moans escape me, I arch backwards. He pulls me closer and he doesn’t stop. Fuck, this feels good.

His lips find mine again and then I can feel him standing up. He’s lifting me. His arms, oh my, they’re so strong, so rock hard. I cling to him, my mouth hungry for his, my legs wrapped around him and my fingers in his hair. I feel him turn, bend slowly towards the bed and place me every so gently on the bed.

Lord, I want this boy. I want him inside me.

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Happy Birthday, Joy

 

And when we meet, hold me tight and close like you’ll never let go. And I’ll melt in the warmth of your embrace. You’re my safe haven.

And when we meet, look deep into my eyes; they say I’m hard to read but I’ll tell you a secret, my eyes can’t hide a single thing. Look deep into my eyes and you’ll read my soul.

And when we meet, I’ll touch your face, trace the outline of your jaw, run my finger down your neck, over your collarbones. I have craved this moment for months. I have craved the feel of your skin.

And when we meet, you’ll finally see the blush you always feel over far too many telephone conversations; kiss my cheeks then and watch the shyest, happiest smile spread across my face, this smile’s going to stay.

And when we meet, there will be such unfamiliar familiarity. Of souls that have gotten close over time lacking just the blessing that is physical touch.

And when we meet, you’ll see my walls come down and my heart open up again. Distance will no longer serve as an excuse. Love will consume me.

Mi Amor,

Before you open your heart to me, remember this.

I’ve my terrible days. Days when I cannot get out of the bed because the weight of a past that I fight to let go of brings me down and leaves me frozen, a million painful memories replay in my brain. I’ve far too many insecurities, they attack in phases. On these days, I’m fragile, tender and permanently on the verge of tears, and the smallest things you say could lead me to a complete breakdown. I don’t get angry, I close myself off. I take time to open up.

But then again, those are just the bad days. And they are rare.

My love is fierce, powerful and it will consume you like a fire. I do not love lightly, I’m incapable of doing so. My love will wash over you like a wave. Call me intense. Hold me often. I need massive amounts of attention. I need to be a priority. I will fight for you, but I will not compete. I am loyal to the bone. I dream big. I despise negativity. My laughter is loud and you will hear it abnormally often. I will spoil you with attention, surprises, adorable notes and gifts. Fight for me, I am not easy. Show me I’m not making a mistake by never letting go and never giving up on us. I will make you my first priority. I would want to grow with you, as a person and in age. I will put my faith in you. Do not break my trust, I do not give third chances.
I won’t walk away but once I do, I will not look back. I’ll be as heartless as a stone.