Vow

You close your eyes and look away. You’re fighting back tears and it absolutely crushes me. It breaks my heart, you have a past so troubled. And it breaks my heart because you, my love, you deserved none of it.

A single tear rolls down.

No love, hush, you’re okay now. You’re in my arms and you’re safe. I’m going to hold you close and tight for as long as you want me to. I’ll rock you softly, wrap you in my warmth. I kiss your forehead.

I love you. I whisper and I feel your arms tighten around me.

But how could you ever believe me after being let down far too many times by those who whispered the same.

You’re terrified. You’re terrified you’ll let me in and I’ll leave you too.

But no, love. Open your heart, just one more time.

My heart brims with love, let it wash over you. I’ll love you until it surprises you and shocks you how happy you are; you’ve known pain and sorrow for too long, now let me show you pure, sheer joy. The past will soon seem like a mere blur.

I vow to fight for you, to fight to make us work, to fill your life with a ton of fond, happy new memories and experiences. I vow to always be your sunshine, to always ask about your day and to kiss you good night and good morning. I vow to never ever let you go to sleep upset. I vow to hug you and hold you close every chance I get. I promise to give you your space, never interfere with your boys’ night plans and game nights. But most importantly, I vow, love, to never ever give up on us, no matter how difficult things get and I promise to love you with every beat of my heart.

And all I ask of you is this, open your heart again, let me in, let me love you and help you heal.

Sleep now, here in my lap, sleep like a baby, soft, quiet breaths and thoughts untroubled, knowing I’m here now and I’m here to stay.

Mi Amor,

Before you open your heart to me, remember this.

I’ve my terrible days. Days when I cannot get out of the bed because the weight of a past that I fight to let go of brings me down and leaves me frozen, a million painful memories replay in my brain. I’ve far too many insecurities, they attack in phases. On these days, I’m fragile, tender and permanently on the verge of tears, and the smallest things you say could lead me to a complete breakdown. I don’t get angry, I close myself off. I take time to open up.

But then again, those are just the bad days. And they are rare.

My love is fierce, powerful and it will consume you like a fire. I do not love lightly, I’m incapable of doing so. My love will wash over you like a wave. Call me intense. Hold me often. I need massive amounts of attention. I need to be a priority. I will fight for you, but I will not compete. I am loyal to the bone. I dream big. I despise negativity. My laughter is loud and you will hear it abnormally often. I will spoil you with attention, surprises, adorable notes and gifts. Fight for me, I am not easy. Show me I’m not making a mistake by never letting go and never giving up on us. I will make you my first priority. I would want to grow with you, as a person and in age. I will put my faith in you. Do not break my trust, I do not give third chances.
I won’t walk away but once I do, I will not look back. I’ll be as heartless as a stone.

Smushball

Hey.

For my sake and for the sake of our relationship, I hope you are someone who reads. The words I type have always conveyed my feelings better than anything else. I think about you often, mostly because I’m terrified you aren’t real or I will never find you.

You are the man I will eventually fall in love with.

I’ve had rocky relationships. Imagine that, I’m only 19, turning 20 in a few weeks and I’ve already had my heart broken brutally, broken some kind hearts and I’ve never had stable relationships. But then again I’m only 19 turning 20, so there is, I hope, much time left to be in one.

Currently I’m submerging myself with things to do because I’m working on myself. I’ve lived a comfortable life and I want to continue to do the same without depending on my parents anymore. I want to be 100% financially independent by the time I’m 21, you see. And I hope this spirit of mine continues till and after I meet you. I am materialistic and I want to build a name for myself and be successful, for now. It is the summer of ’17 and I’m doing two internships and building contacts and trying to do photoshoots. And learning lightroom.

Read More

She

Unusual. That’s what I’d call what we have. I do not know if this is love, for the movies, the books and the music tell me love is forever and always, and this isn’t so. I never worry about the future, I never wonder if we’d grow old together. I sure hope she’ll stick around, anyone who’s ever had her in their lives probably would. She’s like those first rays of the sun after what seems like forever of dark, cloudy skies following the rains; ever instilling hope in your heart. Her happiness is infectious. I know I hold a special place in her heart, we’ve been together long enough for me to understand that.
She does these little things, you see, that make my heart melt. Things to make my bad days better and good days even brighter. She believes in small joys and finding happiness in the little things. If only you could see how her face lights up when I give her one of those long kisses on the forehead; her blush, when I put my arms around her, give her a squeeze and hold her tight; the sheer happiness in her voice, how it goes all soft, when I call her in the morning as I wake up, she loves my sleepy voice, she says.

Goodbye 

His fingers clutched her hair and he held her as close as he could, as a single tear escaped his cheek and fell on hers. It broke her to see him sad, broke her even more when she thought about what was to follow. This was it, it was time to say goodbye. Goodbye to all the memories. Goodbye to this bond. Her arms around him tightened, she never wanted to let go of him, her breath ragged and her tears unending. They stood like this for what seemed like ages, until it was time to break away.

He makes small talk and she fakes bright smiles, and they try and make things seem lighter for the other. Efforts, in the worst of times. The rickshaw’s here and she gets on, her heart begs her to not leave, to not let go but it knows she cannot stay. They wave and say goodbye and as the rickshaw pulls away, her heart is in pieces and tears start again.

Every memory plays back, how they met, how perfectly annoying he was in the very beginning only to turn into her favourite person; the only one she cared about, how breathtakingly close they got and how things changed.

She’d miss everything.

She’d miss the long phone conversations in the summer, ones that seemed never-ending, ones she never wanted to see end. How easy it felt, opening up to him and trusting him.

She’d miss the one time she cooked for him and how despite its turning out terribly, he still ate all of it anyway.

She’d miss how she’d spent what felt like almost all of summer with him, meeting up almost every single day and spending the few hours they had limbs entwined, and in each other’s arms. How utterly, perfectly comfortable she felt, how she wished the summer wouldn’t end.

She’d miss her little surprises, how happy and excited her plans made her, how her only priority became helping him find happiness in the toughest and best of times.

She’d miss giving herself the cheesiest of names on his phone, changing his wallpaper to match hers and her futile attempts to make him adore cats as she did, forcing one cat video after the other.

She’d miss his hugs, oh so much, all she needed to make a bad day brighter, a good day even better.

She’d miss how she always had to look up to talk to him, how it would always strike her at the oddest of moments how tall he was, how perfect, and how he’d envelope her completely in his hold and make her feel perfectly tiny, perfectly safe, perfectly complete.

She’d miss how easily she could talk to him about things that were buried deep in her heart, only to be followed by insuppressible tears that he’d kiss away and end with comforting whispers.

She’d miss Modern Family marathons, Malayalam comedy to which they’d laugh till their stomachs hurt and chick-flicks he always seemed to hate.

She’d miss tagging him in all her favourite memes and flooding his notifications.

She’d miss how proud she felt of him, when he’d tell her all about Nazi Germany in the middle of the night when she’d ask, her favourite foreign relations and contemporary history teacher, the smartest man of his age that she knew.

She’d miss waking up in his strong arms, her slightest movements that would subconsciously cause him to tighten his hold around her and bury her head on his chest and she’d almost cry at how perfectly happy she felt, the kind of happiness she hadn’t felt in the longest time.

That one time, one of many afternoon naps, when she’d dreamt of horrible things having happened to him and she woke up terrified and relieved it was a dream and how she couldn’t stop sobbing uncontrollably while he held her and rocked her to calm.

She’d miss most of all, how it made her giggle when he’d rub his stubble against her cheek when she’d sit on his lap, her head resting on his shoulder. How she’d wrap herself around him and how it was her favourite place to be. Home.

She’d miss how utterly happy he could make her.

She’d miss all of it. She’d miss everything.

She’d miss her best friend, and she’s terrified of how she’ll get through.

Nostalgia

I crave your presence.
I crave it, here, right now, this moment, as I stand here by this white framed window; moist breeze caresses my skin and I look out at the rain that pours down.

I’d have you sit in an armchair, hand you a mug of hot cocoa, settle on your lap, bask in your warmth and enjoy the vista outside this window, your arm around me and bliss in our hearts. We’d savour this in silence, our best moments together almost always are. Summer rains are so utterly beautiful. That smell of rain we spoke about the last time you were here, the whiff that follows the first droplets hitting the parched, brown earth; the air is replete with the same and I crave your presence.
If only you were here.

Comfort

And when the tears roll down and you’re too sad to even speak, I’ll hold you to my bosom, cocoon you in my warmth. I’ll rock you softly, whisper to you that everything is going to turn out okay. Touch my lips to your forehead, plant a million soft kisses. I won’t let you go.
I’ll hold on tight till you drift off to sleep. And then I’ll lay you gently beside me, kiss your swollen, tender eyelids. I’ll put my arm around you, listen to the soft beats of your heart and feel your warm breaths till I drift off to sleep myself. It breaks my heart to see you sad, every tear that rolls down your cheek clutches at my heart. I’ll be as gentle as you want me to.
People with hearts as big as yours deserve a love as deep as the oceans, infinite like the universe. Let down your walls, let me in, let me help you heal.