Anna,

Happy birthday, sunshine

As long as I live, I will never forget how you came over and introduced yourself on the first day of eleventh grade with the warmest of smiles and I so clearly remember how we got close, you practically dragged me away from that random Commerce chick on the steps, and spent the rest of PE with me just talking for one hour straight. Then we started to sit together, and eventually, I found my best friend in you.

That’s you. My best friend. And everywhere I go, deep inside I know all I try to find is someone just like you. But that’s the thing, no one can be you. No one I’ve ever met in the twenty years of my existence is as fiercely loyal,  adorable and selflessly kind as you. No one I’ve ever met has a heart as big as yours.

And every day, I strive to be a warm, sunny person like you.

Life sucks sometimes, but I know I’ll never ever truly be alone. Because I’ll always have you and you’re just a phone call away. And a conversation with you has never failed to brighten me right up. I absolutely love how there’s never a dearth of things to talk about. That reminds me, I really have an insane amount of important news to tell you and god, I need to meet you soon. Kerala trip, coming up.

And thank you, for sticking around. And never giving up on me. And for forgiving me when I acted like a total selfish bitch (remember our first and last fight in twelfth grade? good lord, what the fuck was I doing) To this day, I do not know what I did to deserve you, but I’m eternally grateful to the universe for letting me find you.

You gave me my happiest memories in Trissur. Every day with you was an absolute joy. I’ve never been the kind to miss school, I was more than happy to get the fuck out of there, but if there’s one single thing I do miss, it’s sitting with you and just talking non-stop, laughing like a lunatic at the stories you’d tell me (remember the little kid who was annoyed with sunlight in your school bus? It still makes me laugh when I think about it, jesus), reading those Health magazine sexology columns with you and Kiran in the library ahahahahah, ayyy. You see, the only parts of school life I miss, are the bits with you.

Good heavens, I sound gay.

Ay, but who cares. And I miss you terribly today. And I wish I could’ve been in town for your birthday, but I’m going to try and come in October and I shall bring your birthday gift along. But I’m glad you had a great birthday yesterday.

I think I’ll tell you the rest when I call you next.

I love you, baby girl. Always, always stay happy.

xx

Solace

I’m trembling.

He holds me in his arms.

I’m shaking, my mind is exploding with emotions I cannot contain.

I’m a mess, a broken mess but right now in his arms I’m starting to feel safe again.

Please don’t let go.

There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

Suddenly it doesn’t matter how my past is looming over my heart like a dark cloud preparing to come down as pouring rain and leave me drenched, it doesn’t matter how I detest the way I look, the million issues I have with my body, it doesn’t matter how I think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. My inadequacies are reducing to a blur.

Because suddenly all that matters is the solace the rhythm of his steady heartbeat offers, and his strong arms enveloping me entirely, cocooning me in his warmth.

Hush, baby girl. I’m here now. 

You’ve spent your entire life trying to heal broken people and fix broken things and you’ve ignored how much of damage that has inflicted on you for far too long. You put aside the fact that you were left broken too, in the process. Now let me help you fix yourself, help you heal all of your broken pieces. 

Kaya, he pauses.

I love you. 

I love you, Kaya. I love you with every fiber of my being. And I knew I was in love when I first saw you walking up to me your wild hair flying free in the wind, your stride poised and confident. You were so stunningly beautiful, in your own wild, bohemian way. 

I knew I was in love when you waved and flashed that bright smile and I knew in my heart I’d never get enough of it, and all I ever wanted was to make sure that smile would never leave your lips. 

And I realize now how much I love you when I feel your heart breaking and I discern, so is my own. 

Kaya, beautiful Kaya, I love you, baby girl. I’m here now and I promise to stay. I need you to smile again.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me in even closer. Never have I ever been hugged so tight.

My heart melts.

I’d managed to fight back tears until now but no longer can I hold them in.

They roll down my cheek. These aren’t tears of sorrow, they are those of profound joy.

I sit up and put my arms around his neck and I whisper in his ears, I love you too. My voice chokes.

There is so much I wish to say,  so much I need to express. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. For the first time in my life, my words will have to wait.

For now I’m going to stay wrapped in his arms, savour this silence and cherish every little thing about this moment. It is so absolutely imperfectly perfect, it makes me smile.

Lord, I’m in love, so unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly in love. And for the first time, I feel just as unconditionally, utterly, desperately and madly loved.

Vow

You close your eyes and look away. You’re fighting back tears and it absolutely crushes me. It breaks my heart, you have a past so troubled. And it breaks my heart because you, my love, you deserved none of it.

A single tear rolls down.

No love, hush, you’re okay now. You’re in my arms and you’re safe. I’m going to hold you close and tight for as long as you want me to. I’ll rock you softly, wrap you in my warmth. I kiss your forehead.

I love you. I whisper and I feel your arms tighten around me.

But how could you ever believe me after being let down far too many times by those who whispered the same.

You’re terrified. You’re terrified you’ll let me in and I’ll leave you too.

But no, love. Open your heart, just one more time.

My heart brims with love, let it wash over you. I’ll love you until it surprises you and shocks you how happy you are; you’ve known pain and sorrow for too long, now let me show you pure, sheer joy. The past will soon seem like a mere blur.

I vow to fight for you, to fight to make us work, to fill your life with a ton of fond, happy new memories and experiences. I vow to always be your sunshine, to always ask about your day and to kiss you good night and good morning. I vow to never ever let you go to sleep upset. I vow to hug you and hold you close every chance I get. I promise to give you your space, never interfere with your boys’ night plans and game nights. But most importantly, I vow, love, to never ever give up on us, no matter how difficult things get and I promise to love you with every beat of my heart.

And all I ask of you is this, open your heart again, let me in, let me love you and help you heal.

Sleep now, here in my lap, sleep like a baby, soft, quiet breaths and thoughts untroubled, knowing I’m here now and I’m here to stay.

Happy Birthday, Joy

 

And when we meet, hold me tight and close like you’ll never let go. And I’ll melt in the warmth of your embrace. You’re my safe haven.

And when we meet, look deep into my eyes; they say I’m hard to read but I’ll tell you a secret, my eyes can’t hide a single thing. Look deep into my eyes and you’ll read my soul.

And when we meet, I’ll touch your face, trace the outline of your jaw, run my finger down your neck, over your collarbones. I have craved this moment for months. I have craved the feel of your skin.

And when we meet, you’ll finally see the blush you always feel over far too many telephone conversations; kiss my cheeks then and watch the shyest, happiest smile spread across my face, this smile’s going to stay.

And when we meet, there will be such unfamiliar familiarity. Of souls that have gotten close over time lacking just the blessing that is physical touch.

And when we meet, you’ll see my walls come down and my heart open up again. Distance will no longer serve as an excuse. Love will consume me.

Hello, happiness

Maybe you were just looking in all the wrong places.
Maybe you forgot about finding happiness in the small things.
Maybe you forgot how blissfully calming that first sip of tea in the chilly mornings could be. Or how perfectly cozy you felt curled up and sleepy under your soft, warm quilt. Or the smell of old books, new books, books. Or your dog’s happy eyes when you come back home, having missed you terribly all day long. Your cat snuggling in your lap and falling asleep, a perfect fit there; soft happy purrs comforting your soul. Your mom’s cooking, a whiff you catch on your way past the kitchen. Your mom’s smile. Your dad’s rare, hearty laugh.
The excitement waiting for the pizza delivery man and that rush in your happy heart when the doorbell finally rings. Long telephone conversations with your long time best friend who’s miles away, the joy in telling her every little detail about the changes in your life. A new crush, hours spent stalking his facebook, that guilty pleasure at secretly storing all his best pictures. Candid pictures capturing genuine, heartfelt smiles. Old photographs. Walking by the tall bookshelves in an old library that has forever, its romantic charm. Walks under the moonlit sky in your favorite sweater, rubbing your palms to keep your cold fingers warm. Star watching. Star watching with a friend. In person or over the phone. The smell of the earth that follows the first rains. Dew falling off young, green leaves. Waking up to the sunrise. Falling asleep to soft music. The feel of coffee beans. Reading old, happy conversations. Pampering yourself, indulging in yourself, splurging on yourself. Brunch with your best friends. That perfect steak with that perfect barbeque sauce. That genuine, elated smile on your friend’s face on opening a carefully, thoughtfully planned birthday gift. Finding good new music. Finding an old favorite song. Finding an old birthday gift that you’d kept away in a secret place to come across later. Old journals. Writing with fountain pens on handmade paper, that beautiful light spread of royal blue ink. New, pretty  notebooks you vow to write all your wild thoughts and record all your favorite new memories in.
Creating memories. Travelling to a new place that excites you and your every sense. Taking risks, the exhilaration that accompanies it. Realizing how absolutely lucky and fortunate you are for just being alive and healthy.
And you thought being happy is difficult.

Nostalgia

I crave your presence.
I crave it, here, right now, this moment, as I stand here by this white framed window; moist breeze caresses my skin and I look out at the rain that pours down.

I’d have you sit in an armchair, hand you a mug of hot cocoa, settle on your lap, bask in your warmth and enjoy the vista outside this window, your arm around me and bliss in our hearts. We’d savour this in silence, our best moments together almost always are. Summer rains are so utterly beautiful. That smell of rain we spoke about the last time you were here, the whiff that follows the first droplets hitting the parched, brown earth; the air is replete with the same and I crave your presence.
If only you were here.

Comfort

And when the tears roll down and you’re too sad to even speak, I’ll hold you to my bosom, cocoon you in my warmth. I’ll rock you softly, whisper to you that everything is going to turn out okay. Touch my lips to your forehead, plant a million soft kisses. I won’t let you go.
I’ll hold on tight till you drift off to sleep. And then I’ll lay you gently beside me, kiss your swollen, tender eyelids. I’ll put my arm around you, listen to the soft beats of your heart and feel your warm breaths till I drift off to sleep myself. It breaks my heart to see you sad, every tear that rolls down your cheek clutches at my heart. I’ll be as gentle as you want me to.
People with hearts as big as yours deserve a love as deep as the oceans, infinite like the universe. Let down your walls, let me in, let me help you heal.